Chrystal Kayli
Tenderness in Trauma
Mommy Stay!

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me...

When I first saw Chrystal, she was a young spirit baby in Spirit Chani's arms.  She was crying big silent tears.  I had been putting off telling Neil about the dream of our marrying.  He had at that same time had just proposed to another woman.  Everything has worked out as the Lord intended and Chrystal will have both her chosen parents present in her life.

Looking at my beautiful spirit baby caused me to exclaim, "Oh, there is my own little Julie."  Julie was my younger sister and something about my sweet baby reminded me of her.  Spirit Chrystal was so beautiful and precious.  She was crying and I wanted to comfort her.  It was that picture even more than the entire vision that caused me to overcome my shyness and actually speak to Neil.  I have given her the middle name of Kayli in honor of my sister whom I treasured as an angel from my earliest years.  Julie's middle name is Kay and I added the Lee sound of Julie's name to the end of Kay.

As I thought about this baby over the years, I remember her crying in the first vision.  I prayed to be able to comfort her and that prayer was answered.  I looked forward to nursing my sweet angel and the anticipation has turned into a tender reality.

As I have seen her over the years, she remained a young toddler.  Only after Chalae's birth did she appeared any older.  I have often thought that my children seem to grow older as their time of arrival into mortality comes closer.   Certainly that perception worked with Chrystal.

When Chalae was three months old we moved from San Diego to Clearfield, Utah.  It was a giant step for our family and one that brought a mixture of tears and relief.  We missed our family and friends from San Diego.  We missed our comfortable financial condition.  We quickly missed having Neil home and involved with our family four days out of seven.

We were relieved because we discovered how important to our health our living in Utah was.  In San Diego we had constant bronchitis and pneumonia.  The dry desert air left us free from those ailments.  This was especially important for Chiya and Ryan who were getting worse, seriously ill, every year.

We discovered a different mind set living in Utah.  People were more neighborhood-minded.  In Clearfield, our ward boundary would only consist of a few blocks.  My children found many friends within footsteps of their own door and for the first time they were able to play easily with these friends.  Chani found the youth more friendly and accepting than she had experienced before.  The Young Women’s program was excellent with the best leaders imaginable.

The first few years we lived in Clearfield, the Scouting program struggled but the ward was constantly in the process of improving it.  Ben did suffer from the de-emphasis on the Scouting.  Eventually it was set right and he continued on with his personal goals and development.  The last three years we lived in Clearfield, Neil was the Scout Master and we learned how important that calling is to the development and hearts of young men.  Ben became an Eagle Scout when he was 17 and Nathan was well into the rank advancements before we left Clearfield.

I settled into normal life in raising and teaching my children and nursing my new Chalae.  Time passed and I began to wonder when my next little baby would arrive.  More time passed and I began to wonder what was wrong.

Many times before Chalae was born I had seen my next son, Ammon Michael.  I had thought he would come along with Chalae until that last few days when I knew it was just my daughter, dancing around with delight, teasing her brother that she was coming first.  Ah...I thought, the next baby would be that boy.  And so I expected him, and waited, and wondered, and worried.

During one Homemaking Night, I made a wall hanging of a wooden home with hearts streaming down in a beautiful line.  The first two hearts were joined together and had Neil and Cherie painted on it.  Then came one heart for each of our children.  Following Chalae’s name I made a heart for Chrystal, Ammon and finally, Joshua.  I hung the hearts by our front door.  It brought out many comments about the three unborn children that I was expecting.  I would mumble something about not being sure about the order, but yes, I was expecting another girl and two boys, probably in the order of my wall hanging.

Two years between babies is wonderful but three is a painful worry.  In the quiet of our bedroom, Neil would hold me while I agonized over the possibility of being mistaken about the three remaining children.  What if they were grandchildren?  What if my time for having children was over?  My heart was breaking at the possibility.  I was 41 and someday soon...too soon...childbearing would end no matter how I felt about it.

I was so excited when I found out that I was pregnant again.  The baby was due almost on Chalae’s third birthday.  I guess 41 isn’t too old to have a baby!  It was summer, we had just returned from a vacation to San Diego and Neil and Ben were leaving for a week long Scout Camp.  I was not feeling bad but it is always hard to have Neil gone.

Just before Neil and Ben left I began to bleed and threaten a miscarriage.  I popped into bed so fast!  And I cried.  Great sobs escaped from me at the thought of losing my just beginning baby.  Neil placed his hands on my head and a blessing flowed through me.  I was told that the baby still had a chance and that I needed to be very careful.  I stayed in bed for a few days and the threat subsided.

Everything was normal when I was 12 weeks along but by 15 weeks I was on bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy.  It was as frightening as always.  It was as tedious as always.  It finally ended and was forgotten as always.

By the end of the pregnancy I was retaining a lot of water.  My blood pressure was beginning to creep up and we felt the time had come for my baby to be born.  We sent Nathan, Ryan, Cheyanne and Chalae over to a friend’s home.  We would call them back after the baby was born.  Ben waited upstairs to help as needed.  He didn’t want to be present at the birth.  Chani, Chamrie, Chiya and one friend were with me in labor along with Neil, our midwife and her assistant.

My water was broken and labor began.  It was an unusual labor.  The contractions felt very different from my previous ones.  I was very concerned that they were not working.  Once it came time to push I was certain that things were not normal for me.
In the previous 9 births I have never had to push a baby out.  I would give a little push here and a heavier one there and then I would be told to stop.  Most of my other births didn’t even require that much and I spent that entire part of labor trying to not do what my body wanted to do so the baby would ease out into our arms.

This was so different.  I had to push my baby and if felt as if all that pushing was for in vain.  The labor wasn’t long.  From start to finish it was my normal two hours.  But the pushing part frightened me because it was so foreign to me.
Finally something clicked and a pain and sensation that I recognized overwhelmed me.  “Oh!  I know this pain!”  I was elated!  Here was something I was totally familiar with and I knew everything was nearly over and I could do the rest, no problem.

That was when we found out why pushing had been so strange.  My baby had been posterior and had tried to rotate anterior before birth.  The rotation never completed and my baby was born with the head facing my thigh instead of straight up or down!  It was another unusual birth to add to my wide variety of experiences!

I had been certain that my baby was a son.  I had expected my boy, Ammon, to be born previously but Chalae had come waltzing out from behind him and joyfully arrived first.  There was no doubt that this would be that precious Ammon.  Well almost no doubt.  I had several experiences where I had seen a little girl peeking out from behind a tree, giggling as if involved in a wonderful joke.  “Oh, she is the next baby,” I thought.  Nope.  That sweet little girl surprised me by popping out big and healthy.  The placenta was delivered easily and intact.

Chrystal Kayli, my tenth baby, was born at 10:00 p.m. and weighed ten pounds, ten ounces.  She was breathing and beautiful.  I was so thrilled!  It was a perfect birth and finally over.  We telephoned our little children to tell them they had a baby sister and they were brought right over.  They arrived and everybody was stuffed in the tiny room admiring our little miracle.  It was a priceless moment.

After cuddling with their new sister for a while our little ones gave me a kiss and were shuffled out of the room.  About an hour after the birth, my midwife wanted to check me over and be sure everything was all right.  She asked her assistant to get a shot of Pitocin ready in case I needed it for bleeding.

Right at that moment I looked at her and said, “I am going to faint.  I am going to faint right now!”  And I did.  More then just fainting, I momentarily died.  I found myself standing and conversing with my son, Marshall and with Ammon and Joshua, my “sons” whose actual relation to me remained a mystery until a few years later when I was told they were my grandsons.  It was a sweet, comfortable, and peaceful conversation.  Then I was looking at Neil and wondering why he was so intense.  He was yelling my name and hitting me, something he has never done before.  I told him I was alright I was just talking to Marshall and he just kept telling me to “Stay!”

From my perception everything was fine.  I had no panic feeling, no pain, and no concern.  I also had no idea what everybody else was going through.  When I had told my midwife that I was going to pass out, I immediately when into convulsion, my blood pressure dropped to zero and they couldn’t find my pulse.  Neil was desperate.  My legs were grabbed and elevated and I was given medicine to clamp down the uterus.  Chani yelled at Neil to give me a blessing.  She even grabbed his hand and placed it on my head.  Neil commanded me to stay.  I was told that I came to long enough to say that I was ok and then convulsed again.  I don’t remember that part at all.  After the second episode of convulsing, Neil started hitting my arm.  Not too hard, he didn’t bruise me, but enough that I came around and wondered why he was acting so strange.

911 had been called and arrived quickly.  I couldn’t figure out what the problem was.  I was lucid, peaceful.  I could answer questions that were asked and I kept insisting that I was fine.  I saw no need to be rushed to the hospital.  Again, I hadn’t a clue as to what had just happened.

The paramedics put two bags of fluid into me and everything seemed fine.  I refused to go the hospital but agreed that if I felt faint again I would go, no argument.  They reluctantly left and everything was fine for a few minutes.  They were called back in and prepared me for transport.

To me this was quite comical.  I was a very large lady, completely naked, being hauled upstairs and outside by all these men!  Now the real community feel of my little cul-de-sac ward came into play as the audience of loving members surrounded the area.  Oh, whatever happened to modesty?  Once they got me into the ambulance I had one overwhelming focus, to obey Neil and not faint.  For the most part, I managed that goal.  We arrived at the hospital and before things settled down they had put a total of six bags of fluid into my body and the doctor had pulled out two pounds of clots from the uterus.

The unusual position of my big baby, the intense pushing and short two hour labor had tired my uterus and after the healthy birth of Chrystal and her placenta, it had simply quit working.  I had a slow hemorrhage losing half of my blood because the uterus wasn’t clamping down all that time we were connecting with out little baby.  Then once the clots formed in the uterus where the blood was pooling even the medicine couldn’t cause the uterus to clamp down.  Once the clots were removed the medicine worked great.

The doctor told me that my future babies would have to be born in the hospital.  I will need an I.V. and after the birth of the baby’s head and before the birth of the baby’s body I would be given a drug to clamp down the uterus.  He said that if even thirty minutes passed before the drug is given it would be too long to have an effect.  He also told me that if I had given birth to Chrystal in the hospital the same thing would have happened because I didn’t have a history of inertia.

I had a wonderful doctor and he gave me a private room so Neil and Chrystal could stay with me the entire time.  I was only in the hospital for a day.  I wasn’t given a blood transfusion because they knew the cause of the blood loss and that it wouldn’t repeat.  I was ordered to do nothing for several weeks and to work on building back my blood supply.  I had headaches unlike anything I had ever experienced.  The doctor asked if I had any stomach problems.   When I answered no, he ordered prescription strength Motrin and Advil for the headaches.  That led to my next disaster.

Chrystal was born on 2 March 1998.  I was exactly as old having my tenth child, as my mother had been when she had her first grandchild!  What a wonderful responsibility it is to have and raise children.  I barely had the strength to walk from my bed to the couch for several weeks and my head was in the worse pain I had ever experienced.  However, nursing and cuddling my little daughter brought joy and comfort, making everything worthwhile.  Chalae had just weaned three weeks before Chrystal’s birth and she would cuddle with me as well.  My precious family surrounded me and I recovered quickly.

My dad had been sick with emphysema for years and while I was pregnant we had been so worried that he might worsen beyond recovery.  When I am pregnant and threatening premature birth I cannot travel without endangering my baby so I prayed that nothing terrible would happen until we could make the trip to San Diego.  After Chrystal’s birth, I needed extra time to recover and we planned to go to San Diego in June.

Neil was working and building his chiropractic practice in Clearfield and really didn’t want to leave it in June.  I reluctantly agreed to wait and go home for Thanksgiving instead.  Then my father was rushed to the hospital.  My mother asked us to wait on visiting until things looked worse as he could be in the hospital for months.

I really started worrying then!  I wanted to be there with my mother and yet it was dangerous for me to do much until my blood supply built back up.

Then one morning I began to feel light-headed and faint.  Neil came home for lunch and I mentioned it to him.  He told me to take it easy and he’d be back later that evening.  I took Chrystal and went to bed for a long nap.  A little over two hours later, I awoke and started walking to the living room couch.  I nearly passed out!  I was yelling at Ben who was sleeping on the couch right where I needed to sit.  “Move!  Move quick!”  He barely got out of my way when I collapsed full-length on the cushions.
I called Art Shimata, a friend and nurse, and he came right over and took my blood pressure.  It was seriously low and he was very concerned.  Art telephoned Neil and told him to come right home.  Once Neil arrived everything seemed to be OK.  I had been lying down on the couch and didn’t feel the least bit dizzy.

I got up to use the bathroom and made it all the way to the toilet.  Just after sitting on the stool, I again felt like fainting.  This time I lowered myself right to the floor and there I stayed.  Neil called the paramedics once again.

Neil says it was the same team that helped us after Chrystal’s birth, I don’t remember.  With Chrystal’s birth I was totally naked and had to be carried upstairs and out the door.  This time I was only half in the nude and had to be taken downstairs.
By the time I got to the hospital I felt pretty silly.  I was feeling fine and Neil and I chatted with the nurse in the emergency room.  After a bit, I still had to use the bathroom and so the nurse walked me down the hall to the toilet.  She left me alone and I locked the door.

I had no sooner sat down than my bowels emptied and I literally sank to the floor in a near faint.  I kept consciousness and whistled.  Neil heard my whistle and he and the nurse came running.  They tried to get in and the nurse asked if I could unlock the door.  Then she opened it anyway and saw me on the floor.  A stretcher was brought in and I was taken back to the stall.
The nurse put this tube down through my nose to my stomach.  Now that is a lovely experience!  Up came the blood looking like coffee grains.  I was given a transfusion this time as I had again lost nearly half of my blood.

My doctor was a gentle man and quietly let it be known that Neil and my tiny baby were permanent guests in my hospital room.  This allowed me to continue nursing Chrystal and Neil cared for her while I recovered.  I will always appreciate this doctor’s kindness towards my family.

The next day the doctor did a scope on my stomach and found that I had a bleeding ulcer.  It was already scabbed over and I was put on medication.  I only had to be on it for a month, which is good because it was so expensive!  I insisted on medication that would not harm my baby because I was completely unwilling to wean her.  The doctor thought it over and came up with one that worked.

The morning that I had the scope done we had Chani telephone my mother to tell her that I was in the hospital again.  At the same time my mother was preparing to call me to tell me that my dad was dying and I should plan on coming right away.  This didn’t help the ulcer any.  The doctor wouldn’t let me leave right away but almost a week after entering the hospital we were on the road to San Diego.  My dad passed away while we were there.

As life settled down to normal, I began to think about my nearly dying twice in such a short time.  Thinking of leaving my little girl.  She was so close to me, needed me so very much.  I feel with all of my heart that my life was extended.  I realized more than ever how important I am to so many people.  How different their lives would be without me.  I am grateful beyond expression that I am here to raise my precious angels.

Nearly leaving this life was neither painful nor frightening.  It was comfortable.  Peaceful.  A very natural feeling, as if I went from one room to another, not separate from my family at all.  Several weeks later, I read in a book called Life Everlasting by Duane Crowther that Near Death Experiences for many Latter-Day Saints is different than for the general population.  Many express how peaceful and natural it is.  They don’t see a light and have an interview.  Perhaps because they already have priesthood interviews in this life many don’t need another upon death.  They simply continue from one room to the next, familiar with the friends and family on both sides.  That is exactly how it was for me.  Comfortable and connected to my family, the same as always.

I was terribly worried that my doctor would tell me that I couldn’t have any more children.  I was overcome with grief for Neil, for what he had experienced which was so different than from my perspective.  I wondered if he would refuse more children.  Yet I had seen my two remaining boys.  They had stood with Marshall and talked to me.  They very possibly had kept me from leaving altogether.  How could I agree to not have them?

My obstetrician explained that what had happened would have happened in the hospital exactly the same as at home.  I had no history of bleeding and everything was perfect, there was no reason to expect this birth would have been any different.  He also said that now the problem has occurred, future births would need to be done in the hospital.  The treatment for this condition is to give a drug after the birth of the baby’s head and before the body.  He said that waiting even 30 minutes past that point is too late.  This is why it would have happened at the hospital as well because it is not normal procedure to give this drug in birth unless the problem has already happened.

Looking back on the birth, I am sure that a good part of the problem was that I had to push Chrystal out.  I had never pushed a baby before but because she was posterior, she simply took more work.  The books do say that big babies and fast labors contribute to this condition because the uterus works so hard, so fast.  With my other babies it really wasn’t any work at all...not like with Chrystal.

Quietly, alone in our room, Neil and I talked about more children.  We had talked before about the greatest risks in childbirth but now it was very real.  There is no doubt that any future babies will have a planned hospital delivery.  Neil was terrified over what had happened.  The doctors reassured us that it wouldn’t be the same in the future.  As I talked and told him about the two sons still waiting, my sweetheart let me know that he would never refuse our children.

Scared?  Yes, he knows he will always be scared.  He loves me with all of his heart and he loves his children.  I have no such fear.  I am confident and secure that there is no accident in the number and identity of the children coming to our home.  I’ve seen them.  They exist.  They are ours.

As we talked and held each other with our hearts wide open the Lord extended his comfort and promise.  I had been told by my unborn Joshua years before that he brings with him an extension of my life.  There is no doubt.  My little sons waiting for birth helped protect me and keep me safe in my husband's arms.

I asked my daughters how they felt about everything that happened.  Were they terrified?  Chiya softly answered, "I knew you were going to be ok because you still have two more children to have."

Yes.  They are ours.  Whether they are born, adopted, resurrected or even grandchildren, they are ours forever.

Chrystal’s very presence comforts and calms me.  She brings instant joy and peace to everybody.  She loves her mommy and needs her daddy to help her quiet down to sleep.  She adores her brothers and sisters and is a delightful baby.  Chrystal started walking at ten months and quickly let it known that potatoes off her dad’s plate is her favorite food.

I try and not think that she is my last little girl.  I try and bargain with the Lord over that.  Perhaps there could be an extra girl thrown in with my last son.  That way I could have my hoped for boy and girl twin.  Adoption was an emotional lifesaver for me and there are times when my thoughts turn that direction.  I sigh and find it is wonderful to have a future.

Return to Noble Child's GenCreations Index Everything you read here is freely offered, asking only that you honor my copyright by sending my site address to others rather than copying and sending the individual articles.  You may print and use my articles provided that you give credit to me as the author and link back to this site. The articles were written in the hope that they will help mothers realize just how normal chaotic life with children really is and how priceless the journey.  Search My Site! Search our Site: sitemap . The Noble Child Email List Be notified of any new postings in the topics of homeschooling, parenting, home management and just plain fun.  Converse with other mothers and keep the joyful perspective while raising children.  Many of the mothers are LDS but the list is open to mothers of all religions. Email Cherie Absolute Backgrounds and Textures .