Over the past two years since Chrystal’s birth, I have miscarried twice.   They were early miscarriages just enough to let me know I was pregnant and then not.  I have anxiously awaited my two sons.  I have longed and cried and hoped for more children.

I have studied about adoption, which is an option I have always been drawn towards.  Finances prohibit more then dreaming about adopting children for our family.  One blessing I received spoke about that wonderful choice and told me how pleased the Lord would be if we pursued it provided our financial situation changed.  Perhaps that was more of a confirmation that our desires were right even if they never come about.  Still, I keep tabs on that world and possibility.

I began to wonder if my sons would not be born to me.  My desire for another baby grew stronger each month.  At the same time, I was determined to not mourn all my life if Chrystal turned out to be my last baby.  If I focused on life with my children and raising them I was usually comfortable.  But the minute my mind turned to thinking of Chrystal as my last, as my time of nursing her creeps closer and I think there might be no more little ones to nurture in that way, watching her grow day by day and thinking never again, the grief is tremendous.

The blessings I received began to change a little.  I was told several times that I had all that was important right now.  That phrase always made me think, and worry, that all those I would have on this side of resurrection were already mine.

One day, Neil was giving me a blessing and to our surprise the words were different and instructional.  I was told that my husband had been praying since Chrystal’s birth about the experience.  He was willing and desirous of more children and would never stop them from coming but he had requested that I survive any more births.  He wanted the children but he wanted me with him even more.  Then we were told that the Lord had heard his prayers and would honor his request.  I simply would not give birth again unless I could survive the experience.

I didn’t know how to feel!  I love my husband so much and know how painful and unbearable the events following Chrystal’s birth were for him.  He loves me and has always been the greatest support of my needs and desires.  I know he never did anything besides pray to stop children from coming and even then it was a request for my life and not a request to stop the babies.  Following that blessing were months of struggle, trying harder then ever to be comfortable with the shape of my family.

One day I realized that my unborn sons might have already received their bodies and were actually waiting in the Spirit World for the Day of Resurrection when I would have and raise them just as I will my tiny Marshall.  I had never considered that possibility.

Now I found there were three ways these two sons, Ammon Michael and Joshua Neil might come into our family: my giving birth to them, adopting them, raising them in the Millennium.  Then friends began to suggest that they could even have been unborn grandchildren!  I have had a few friends who have already seen some grandchildren even though their children are not yet grown.

Taking my concerns to my friend, Elder Hartman Rector, Jr.  I was given a blessing and tenderly told that those boys were in deed numbered among my grandchildren.  What marvelous promises and instruction was given by the Lord in that blessing.  A peace decended upon me and a deeper hope that the Lord was right in promising me that the joys of being a grandmother was an increase over being a mother.  I can’t imagine it but I hope and have faith that it is true.

The ways of the Lord is marvelous.  Nothing good is ever lost to him.  He has ways to bring about his work.  Ways that we cannot even understand until the event happens and we see all the miracles that brought about the blessing.

More then ten children?  I have eternity before me and countless children to encircle with tender arms, a grateful heart and an existence singing with endless joy.  I look forward to that day while I rejoice in this very moment of life as a mother of ten children.

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