Dear John
or
A Sigh of Relief
by Chani Logan
Dear John,
I can’t believe that two years have rushed by. I can still remember the last time I saw you with your red hair cut in the missionary style and your green suit crisp with newness. Your sweet Southern accent saying goodbye is something never to be forgotten. As you stepped onto the plane and waved farewell I thought you were so brave to be heading to Asia with so little understanding of the language.
Your family gave me...wait...oops...wrong missionary. Let me start over.
Dear Jon,
That last night we had together was the most spiritual one of my life. Looking up at the stars and imagining what it would be like with you in far away France. I just knew you would be able to convert the entire country with your suave manners and your sincere testimony.
I have waited for so long, just knowing you would come back before I could blink and I wanted to be ready for you. I was careful to....wait....oops, again...wrong missionary.
Dear Johann,
I find that I must send the saddest letter of my life. I’m sure the news hasn’t reached you yet in far away Africa but the Church has asked for young women who are willing to emulate those pure souls who dedicate their lives to the preservation of puny penguins. I know it sounds strange but my heart is so drawn to those little men in tuxedos that I volunteered. I simply won’t be able to....oh wait...nope, wrong missionary.
Dear Juan,
I have been waiting faithfully for nearly two years now. I have turned down every date and done everything I could to prepare to go to the temple. I planned every aspect of our wedding, down to the very napkins. I know that you are aware of all of this, since I write you every day, and it has been so wonderful having your letters reply so promptly to mine. I was actually able to time the mailman so that I opened the door when he came to give us the mail.
After all of this training in preparation your mission has given me, I must tell you that I will be married two days before you return. I am so sorry to break it to you like this, after all of our dreams and plans, but I find I can no longer be faithful to those promises I made to you so long ago.
How can I be marrying someone when I have not been on any dates? Well, the mailman noticed that I was always waiting anxiously for your mail, and so he asked about you. Of course I had so much to say that our conversation went late into the night. After that, we would hang out together in only the best of places, like the President’s Ball and in his private box at the World Series. He was so supportive of my attachment to you that he made it a special point to drop by and give me your letters, personally. Sometimes I would even help him deliver the mail so that we could talk about your letters and how wonderful you were. He told me that he was a mailman so that he could give unselfish community service. Isn’t he wonderful?
We became great friends, he even took one of my roommates on a date once. He served his mission in Washington, DC and made wonderful contacts insuring a prosperous future. I especially love the time we went to his Montana Gold Mine. You would have loved it as well. Not only was it filled with Gold but an unusual supply of diamonds sparkled along the trail.
Of course, he is so spiritual, definitely General Authority material. He had started joining our group that went down to the temple every week. Last week we were supposed to leave at about 8 am to go through a session. I slept in and had to get ready in a jiffy, so I forgot to eat. You know me and my hypoglycemia problem.
Luckily I made it through the session, but as I walked into the Celestial room I began to feel very faint. I quickly sat down in a chair to recover myself. When I thought I was better, we got up to leave and I promptly fainted away. I don’t remember much after this, just opening my eyes to see his worried face looking at me. He held my hand in his strong tennis champion hands and proposed on the spot.
I was so overcome by the spirit that I fainted once again. Apparently he saved my life and I woke up to the realization that I couldn’t marry anyone else but my mailman. He is now in finishing the plans for our future home designed for the dozen children we want.
I want you to know that I never intended things to turn out like this, but thanks to your long absence I find myself about to be wealthy, pampered and encircled by an elite social club. Now, I finally I know that I was not the girl to fill your eternity with happiness.
Meanwhile, I have found a perfect wife for you. She’s young, well, she’s 40 but she’s pretty, well, for a hog trainer, and she’s talented, ok, so two out of three isn’t so bad. I’ll give you her address when next we meet.
Yours Forever in Acquaintanceship...
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