When my children were the ages of 14, 12, 10, 8, 6, 3, 1 and I was newly pregnant with Chalae, it came time for a trip to the shoe store.  I hate shoe shopping!  I usually manage to either go with Neil or send him with only a few children.  However, this time I took them all without Neil's help because we were crunched for time.

I was trying to find a size for Cheyanne, my 18-month-old.  I wanted her to have shoes that didn't need socks and wouldn't give her blisters.  All of the shoes were right within her reach.  Whenever I turned around, she was running off somewhere chasing her brother.

I sent Ben (12) find a pair of shoes but he always wants them oversized because he doesn't like any kind of snug fit.

Chani (14) was in Never-Never Land among the shoes.  I don't know why, perhaps something she was reading caused it.  Later we wised up and realized puberty was the hopeless but temporary cause.

Chamrie (10) wants things too old, too expensive, and too impractical.  She doesn't want what she can have and in the end she can never decide.  That is when I say, "Decide now or I decide for you."

Chiya (8) quietly made her choice.  She is the only one who can come into a store and in a split moment find exactly what she wants and within the guidelines we have established.

Nathan (6) and Ryan (3) needed help and their shoe sizes are on different rows.  I kept calling out to Chani, Ben, Chamrie and Chiya to hold onto Cheyanne's hand, or to hold Ryan's hand.

My voice echoed in the store and I was grateful that it was empty except for my family.  I go to that particular store because there is never anybody there!  I am always finding stores on the verge of dissolving.

By the time we were finished, everybody had one or two pairs of shoes.  I dislike shopping so much that we try to stock up once we are forced into the activity.  I sent everybody out to the car so I could quickly choose something for myself.

Chani kept coming in and saying that Ryan wouldn't buckle up, Cheyanne didn't want to get into the car seat, Chamrie was being a pill and Ben and Nathan were being noisy.  Chamrie came in because Chani was in.  I sent them out and told them if they would just leave me alone for a moment I would be done.

I finally managed to get the check written when someone came in and reminded me that they had no matching socks at home.  Oh well, maybe next time.

We left for vacation that evening and in all of that chaos I found a glimmer of hope.  I decided that since I was pregnant again, it would be Neil's turn to shop when it came time for winter shoes because I become bedridden at 15 weeks pregnant.  Maybe that is why I keep having children; it gives me an automatic and understandable break from shopping insanity!

When Chani was my only child shopping was easy.  I didn't think so.  But it was easier than it became with half a dozen young children.

I was a good mother and never gave into her demands, her whines, her struggles to get that toy or candy.  If I said no, I kept to the declaration.  If she was trouble, I would take her out to the car and come back to shop later.  Chani was well behaved anyway.  It is her nature.

Then there was the day she ran away at the mall.  I had new little Ben in a front pack and Chani in a stroller and made the most serious sin of walking into a bookstore to find a picture book.  She was right beside me, having squirmed out of the stroller, and then like in a magician's disappearing act, she was gone.  I have never felt so sick in my life!  I looked everywhere.  I called her name in the loudest, most panic stricken voice any shopper had ever heard.  It was Christmas time and the mall was filled to brimming and every face looked like the picture of a secret evil.  It didn't take long for me to begin to cry, knowing that I would never see my precious daughter again.

One shopper asked if I had lost a little boy because she had just heard an announcement that a little boy had been found.  No, a daughter.  The thought that my little short-haired girl in the warm pants outfit might be mistaken for a boy was beyond my terrified comprehension.  Through the crowd I saw my Chani, ridding on the shoulders of a security guard, a picture forever engraven on my mind.  We have since found a few lost children ourselves and always put them up above the crowd, visible, happy with the experience.  That day, holding my two tiny children I determined that I would never go shopping without my husband.  Case Closed.

The next time we went shopping, with Neil along of course, Chani again took flight.  Out of her stroller for just a minute, she slipped from Neil's hand and ran full speed out the door and into the stream of mall shoppers.  Neil was just as quickly running after her but it is incredible how fast a toddler can weave between legs that cause a grown man to stumble and mumble as he works on keeping his little one in his eyesight.

After that, one of us baby-sat at home while the other went to the mall.  Malls were just too crowded, too distracting, and too big to fit my comfort zone where my children were concerned.

When Chani finally reached that awful moment where diapers were no longer an option I had to take her with me to a local store.  Small, safe, and relatively manageable, I had been there several times with my two little ones.  I hate potty training.  I think it is THE WORST thing to teach a child.  Oh, sure, let the child teach herself but at some point mother must make the decision that the diaper is done.  Even on outings.  And I did and I went shopping to a store whose bathroom was upstairs.

"I have to go potty!"  Chani would say this with such delight, so proud of herself, such fun!  Is it real?  Not?  Who knows but the child, so I left the cart and carried my son as I walked with my daughter up the stairs.  Sure enough, she peed.  Good girl!

We walked down and a few minutes later it was, "I have to go potty."  Now, Chani, I know this is a fun game at home but I am not going to walk up those stairs again.  We are in the checkout line, we will be home in just a few minutes.  Besides, you and I both know you just went five minutes ago.  "I have to go potty!"

Certain it was The Frustrating Game and only one person left in line before me, imagine my surprise when a distinct smell wafted through the air.  We learn best at the most inopportune times.

After that, Neil watched the children while I went shopping.  Always.  For years and years.  Except Christmas time.

Somewhere in our early parenting days we thought it would be good for our children to experience buying each other Christmas gifts.  We would give the children a very small amount of money per sibling and take them on the adventure.  One child at a time.  That often meant a month's worth of trips to the Dollar Store.  They loved it.  Neil didn't.  But he's a good daddy and obedient to mommy when she says things like, "Do you want to take them shopping or stay home with the rest?"  He'd rather take them and I'd rather not.  Besides, every other year I was doing that couch/bed-rest thing and there really wasn't a choice.

As the number of children grew, we found ourselves putting off the Christmas Shopping Trips and doubling up.  When I could, I would go and take some of the children while Neil took others.  We almost tossed coins over who took Chiya.  Even at a very early age she could go into a store and in ten minutes be finished.  Chamrie on the other hand was the bane of the shopping parent.  Not that she misbehaved but that she could never decide on anything.  I was a touch more patient with her so I usually got the assignment of watching her pick out her siblings' gifts.  Neil could have all the other children finished by the time Chamrie decided.  Of course, he would have to speak quietly to me and tell me that the faster children had already chosen those exact gifts and Chamrie and I'd be at it again!

One year we decided that our children would draw names.  There were more children of course and the age range was spilling into the teens.  By limiting the number of children they had to shop for to two each we could increase the dollars they could spend per gift.  I tried different techniques to determine which two children each child got but it was hopeless, they always wanted to rearrange the arrangements!

Last year I took the easy way out.  The three older girls shopped for each other, co-planning their purchases so everything was what they wanted to share amongst themselves, the three younger girls shopped for each other under Chamrie's now capable supervision and the three boys combined their money to get a Nintendo game.  It was the easiest Christmas Chaos we've had in years!

1.  Have patience with mothers of children.  Have more patience.  Take a deep breath and have a little more.  There is nothing more frustrating, more embarrassing, more demanding on parenting resources than to manage a child while shopping.  Sometimes there is no choice but to endure the miserable situation and pray you can escape with your purchase and your child before you are banned forever from the establishment.  I was with a salesman when he commented on one mother who was ignoring her demanding 4 year old son.  It was obvious that she was there to find a small electrical part and it wouldn't take long.  The child wanted a drink.  Had already had a drink.  And was preschool obnoxious about having his needs met right now.  I told the salesman that she was acting exactly right, not giving into silly demands by her child but how embarrassing it must have been for her.  This wasn't an "I Have To Go Potty" moment, it was one of those, Let Me See If I Can Control Life.  Sorry.  There are times when a four-year-old just isn't meant to control life.

2.  When you are the mother of a child in the Demanding Mode, try being willing to walk away with the rebellious child, leaving behind a full cart if you must.  Never give them something once they start the screaming simply because you want the calm to return.  Once they've started the temper tantrum you have to be firm or be smashed by their emotion.

I do believe in rewarding good behavior.  I do not look on it as bribery but as a valid way of viewing life.  We do many things that we might not want to do because we want a desirable result.  Decent behavior in a store is such an outcome.  Tell the child ahead of time what blessing there will be if they remember the rules.  Go over your rules.  And feel free to remind them when they forget.  How often you need to remind them, at what point the reward becomes unattainable, what particular behavior is unforgivable are parameters to consider and be consistent.  I have said many times, "You have taken away my ability to change my mind" because poor behavior moved from a questionable to unrelenting point of family law.

Be careful about giving choices.  You must be ready to accept the answer if you say, "Do you want this or this?"  If you give them a choice don't try to talk them into the one you really want.  The minute you try you can trigger the very scene you worked so hard to avoid.  You make the decisions or you accept the choices you have offered.  I like to make the decisions because I won't allow gum or suckers that take twenty-four hours to eat and a month to clean up after.

3.  It is not always possible to hire baby-sitters.  The more children you have the more it might be out of your financial reach.  Find a mother whose children you enjoy and work out a co-opt trade.  One day each week, or even every other week, relieve each other of children.  Arrange all your errands on that day.  The children will love the play day.  You will love the peace.  You can even take a different child with you each week.  My children didn't have to go with me every week.  They all learned to trust that their week would come around again.  Meanwhile, they played the day away!

4.  Grow teens.  When they hit twelve, teach them to baby-sit.  When they hit sixteen, teach them to drive.  When they want to go shopping, let them...with a younger sibling.  Not all of them of course, just enough to train them in the experience before they have children of their own.  I find my sons and daughters are far better prepared for those parenting experiences than I once was.  I was the oldest of two and had a very limited view of what managing children meant.

Don't have any little ones for your teens to practice on?  Service is a wonderful skill to teach.  Our teens are always willing to help other mothers with their little ones.  Sometimes they get paid, sometimes they discover the benefit of trade like the year they got math tutoring in exchange for baby-sitting, and sometimes, they just give of their time.  It is thrilling to see the compassion they have developed towards mothers with young children.

5.  Use catalogs and familiar internet sites!  I LOVE to shop by mail and internet!  I am able to mark $1000 worth of goods and then narrow it down to a reasonable purchase.  I am able to become absorbed in the shopping process and then walk away to be a mother at a moment's notice.  Control is easy and the results delightful.

It Really Does Get Easier

The other day I took Chani to the store, parked the car and sat in the dry warmth while she and her friend waked into the store all on their own.  A few minutes later they were back, purchase in hand.  Of course, she is twenty now but in remembering those early days of shopping with her, I think I'm glad they are gone forever.  Well, maybe I'm glad.  But sometimes my heart remembers that little girl and I wonder how she managed to grow so quickly.

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