Feeling overwhelmed by your little one?  Pulling your hair over a demanding and bossy child?  Frustrated beyond belief by a little angel who suddenly starts screaming?  Yep.  Been there.  With nine children I have seen more tantrums than a stage director!

The thing about all that untamed emotion is that they erupt from very unique individuals.  The manifestation of their frustration is as varied as the techniques for helping them regain control.  One expert's suggestion just isn't enough unless you happen upon the right one for your particular angel with horns.

Chani didn't throw temper tantrums exactly.  She was too sweet and happy to do that.  Until she was two.  One day Chani was holding my hand as we walked out of the church building.  Suddenly and without warning she decided that she wasn't going and dropped her entire weight onto the floor.  Of course I had hold of her hand and just as quickly she started screaming.  Panic took over as I realized that my little love had a hurt arm.  Luckily for us my husband was in college to become a chiropractor and we took her right out to one of his instructors.  My baby whimpered and cried all the way there.  The doctor sat with her for a moment and gently and quickly moved her arm just so.  Instantly my daughter quit crying and ran off to play with the doctor's children.

This experience gave me a clue as to Chani's tantrum pattern.  Quiet and sudden and just as quickly forgotten.  Like all tantrums she had little thought of consequence just the focus on what is wanted and denied.

You would think that the first order of business is to not let the tantrum get started.  Sounds reasonable but a parent set on that path is bound for feelings of failure.  Tantrums often come on quickly and unexpectedly or over something that simply can't be negotiated.  So the first goal is really to protect the child from injury.

When I was pregnant with Chani a mothering class we took suggested that many tantrums were simply undirected energy and to try to help the child pull the energy in so they could talk or deal better with the problem.  It was suggested that water was an excellent way to help the child focus.  Try a warm bath or shower (believe me, in a tantrum a shower is much faster!) or simply holding the child and splashing water on their face while calming asking them to focus so you could hold her and talk.  This was exactly the method that worked with the sudden eruptions that came from my easy-going daughter.  My calm voice alone wasn't enough but the combination of water and tender matter-of-fact attitude was perfect.  Before long I could ask if she needed some water to focus and usually she could quickly gain control over her actions and calm was restored.

And that is the second goal for parents in tantrums: to help the child regain control, first during the explosion and later before the energy ever gets out of hand.

When Ben reached the tantrum stage the water method worked somewhat but it never felt like enough.  His was totally different.  I often couldn't figure out what brought on the energy.  He would stiffen up, cross his legs and roll on the floor.  He'd scream as if he was hurt but nobody could find anything wrong.

I tried other methods but they just didn't help.  I tried the holding method, trying to comfort my son but it made him much worse.  He would then scream that I was hurting him...by holding him.  It was so strange and scary but as I said, nobody could FIND anything wrong.

Then one day I read about a parent who held their autistic child past the anger and into the love stage.  I hadn't heard of that before.  The article assured me that once the tantrum was over there would be a rush of love if you just held on long enough.  Something told me that was the key to Ben's chaotic energy.  I was determined to see it through.  I had no idea what I was getting myself in for.

The next time his tantrum erupted I held him.  And he screamed.  And fought.  And screamed and told me that he was hot.  And screamed.  It was so awful that I let go and watched as the tantrum played itself out as usual.  I then held him and loved him but I had always done that.  Again, he wasn't reaching the point of being able to regain control at the beginning of the frustration.  And he was older.  Not a toddler any more.  Of course, the anger was rare which was a relief.

The very next temper tantrum saw me grit my teeth and become determined to see it through to the end.  I WANTED the flood of love and change to happen to my precious boy.  Please don't misunderstand.  He was a very loving boy, happy and thrilled with his life and family most of the time.  And then these painful and unexplained events would scare me.  So the next tantrum found me holding him.  I remember exactly where we were.  We were in the downstairs hall and on the floor right in front of the bathroom.  I held him while he screamed.

His legs were stiff and crossed over each other.  He fought my loving arms.  He screamed that I was hurting him, that he was hot.  He screamed so loudly that I was sure the neighbors were going to call the police.  I was scared and crying while my heart was breaking.  And the screaming continued for about twenty minutes.  Then it got worse and suddenly he started screaming that his feet were burning.  Burning!  His feet!  Then it was all over.  He reached the miraculous stage the article had spoken of when honest tears flowed when he WANTED loving arms.  That point where everything melted and he sought comfort from the mother he loved.  That moment everything changed for Ben.  The tantrums never returned.  Oh, he had his moments of throwing himself down and refusing to do something but it was never the same.  Never the frightening isolation and pain.

What happened that day?  Ben had been ten weeks premature and the IVs were placed in his tiny feet.  The IVs and other treatments.  I will be convinced all of my life that my holding my son broke through the trauma of that experience.  I had no clue until he was specific about his feet burning and the memory flooded my heart.  The holding worked and my son was given back to me.

Chamrie was different from either sibling.  Her tantrums was less a release of energy than it was a play for getting us to comply.  We did the water technique and had to do it often.  It would SLOWLY cause her to gain control but stubbornly, not really HELPING her the way it worked with Chani.  Holding her was not the way either.  I could feel that wasn't the technique that would turn the tide with this persistent and never wrong daughter.  I tried harder to stem the tantrum before it got started than I had with the other two.  I could see it coming on because Chamrie was so verbal.  The other two children were quiet compared to her excellent command and use of language.  But try as I might, there were still times when reasoning simply wasn't the way.  No matter how intelligent the child's argument there are some things that simply could not go her way.

In the end the best technique for Chamrie was to ignore her.  To place her in her room, shut the door and ignore her.  She could then find the resources to solve her problem.  It was vital for me to understand that I didn't have to have the last word to be in charge.  Later she would slowly come tiptoeing into the room and into my arms.  As long as I didn't try to get a declaration of her being 'wrong' the healing process would quickly end and the good life would return.

Again, I had to be sure that Chamrie wouldn't get hurt during her tantrums.  That was my first concern.  She was the kind to literally throw herself back.  I would place her on the bed or the floor while looking around to be sure there wasn't anything that could bump her.  That concern was eliminated in a single moment.  Chamrie was next to the couch one day when she began her tantrum.  She threw herself back before I could stop her and hit the back of her neck on the less padded edge of the cough.  Suddenly her tantrum turned to pain and fear.  Her daddy was a chiropractor and she had seen many people come to our home with seriously stiff necks.  Not wanting to be like those people she was terrified.  I quickly took her to the office and he treated her.  After that Chamrie took care of her own safety during her explosions.  She was simply too intelligent and in control of her life to let herself get hurt during her expressive moments.

Chiya was different from the other three.  She was peaceful, happy, calm, a loner and obedient.  She never had a tantrum.  It was incredible.  If you were to ask her, she'd confirm it.  Yesterday when I was thinking of writing this article I did ask her.  "No, I never had any."  She will be fifteen in two weeks and she has yet to experience even the beginning of that universal experience.

But really, I think she did have them after all.  She would get quiet.  Really, really quiet.  Quieter than this talkative mother could stand.  I would have to sit with her and wait for almost an hour before she could open up and talk to me about whatever was bothering her.

Give me the tantrum any day!!!!  My husband came to the rescue.  He doesn't have to make things better or to know what is wrong or to solve any problem.  He can just sit with her and let her be, close but not invading.  And that is what my sweetheart needs.  Silent and patient love.  I could deal with Chamrie's explosions far better than the heartbreaking silent moments of Chiya.  Neil was exactly the reverse.  And balance always returned to the home.

Chiya learned over the years to accept her pattern of frustration and to deal with it.  Over time it was easier for her to talk about things.  Not while they were happening but afterwards.  So the second stage was reached without a ripple of the dramatic.

Nathan was another story all together.  He would get emotionally hurt whenever he felt he hadn't done something exactly right.  These powerful emotions would come over him and were entirely based on frustration over his own actions.  He didn't toss energy all over the place.  But he cried and felt awful.  My job was not to protect his physical body from tantrum injury but to protect his spirit.  Talk worked.  Can you imagine?  I finally had a child where reasoning was the key.  He trusted me to be honest and wise and when I talked to him he listened.  Rather quickly in the talk he would quietly nod his head and his tear filled eyes would lighten and he'd be ready to run off and play.  It was that easy.  And he gained control by rarely returning to the same frustration.  He held on to my suggestions and explanations and moved on to the next challenge.

Ryan's method of frustration release was different still.  He would hit the tantrum quickly and it would dissolve and be forgotten just as quick.  If he could just throw something.  If he couldn't then a cloud covered his face for a bit longer.  We started sending him outside to run off the tantrum.  We started ordering him to do sit-ups or push-ups.  Anything physical and it worked like a charm.

Cheyanne was another who never really had a traditional tantrum.  Instead her frustration showed itself by her happy but firm NOT doing anything.  Like a heavy rock it was hard to move her once the rebellion set in.  But she was so peaceful about it.  She would go through the actions of doing but never getting done.  And she would be so nice about the not doing!  Water didn't work because she didn't have any escaping energy.  Holding didn't work because she was too loving and cuddly anyway that holding didn't change anything.  Isolating her didn't work because she would be removed from what she was fighting and quite content having won.  Talking to or physical activity had no effect.

What worked?  Her little sister worked.  Strange.  Her little sister would come along and take control and help her while bossing every moment.  Cheyanne turned out to be the type that did best when you took control and walked her through whatever was bothering her.  It worked and continues to work today.

Chalae's tantrums center entirely around being a super intelligent, highly organized, natural leader and the second youngest in a very large family.  She is so much like Chamrie that it is easy to know how to help her.  I've been through it before.  But it is different.  Chamrie had only Neil and I as older peers.  Chani and Ben didn't count.  But poor Chalae has an adult brother and sister plus three other siblings in the teen years.  There are so many older people to convince that she is an adult right along with them.  What worked with her was a combination of water, talking, holding and ignoring.  A mixture of all the more aggressive techniques.   Still, Chalae's tantrums just seem to need to run their course.  Suddenly she will latch hold onto an idea of how she can control or manage things and then she is happy, ready to get back into family life.  I'm a different mother now.  I've had so much experience raising confident children that I can turn a deaf ear on the tantrum provided she is safe.  I know that her style will resolve when she discovers how to control herself.  Chalae is a very dominant person and won't tolerate being out of control for long.  And for Chalae life is good again very quickly.

Chrystal is my last and will be three very soon.  Her tantrums are loud and defiant.  Mostly they are directed towards Chalae.  These sisters are the first dominant children who were next to each other in age.  Chamrie, Ryan and Chalae were spaced out but Chalae and Chrystal are only a breath apart.  A breath of three years but whose counting?  Chrystal needs a firm, calm verbal stand by mother.  A little more control than with the other children.  A little more guidance in letting her work things out.  She has a lot of people around to give in and she's so loud that we have to fight the desire to give in.  She frowns and demands that things be done her way and it simply doesn't work.  She'll find another way to get along and until then the tantrum control is really controlling ourselves to not take the easy way out and give in.

So you see, my ideal method of dealing with a youngster's tantrums is to know your child and keep working at it until you find exactly what works.  Don't toss out one technique because of philosophical chit-chat.  Nobody but you knows your child as well.  And nobody lives with them day in and day out.  And even more important, nobody loves them the way you do.  But keep studying about what has worked for others, you just might hit on the right method!

I loved Judy Edmunds' article: The Terrible Twos - The Terrible Threes - The Terrible Twenty-Ones! and totally agree with her that they do eventually grow out of the tantrums...at least until puberty hits.  But that is an article for another day...and what an article it will be!

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