When You Stand Alone Among Many
By Cherie Logan
Question:
How do you deal with people staring at you and being disgusted with you nursing a baby? I am always modest but I hate the dirty looks.
My Response:
Many a woman feels as if she sticks out when she is nursing her baby. It is as if everybody in the vicinity knows what you are doing and abhors you for doing it. Most of the time, others do not really look at you, not enough to really see you and so have no idea that your baby is even nursing. And the few who do are likely to have nursed their own babies even a little. Men are even more likely to not look in public and if they do, they rarely seem to imply anything awful.
When I started nursing there were very few women who nursed and almost none who did so past a few months. The tide had changed but nursing was still felt like a militant move. There were articles from time to time of women turned out of public places for nursing. There were articles in magazines trying to encourage women. LLL was growing but was not a common new-baby term. Mothering Magazine was the best source for women who wanted to feed and comfort their babies differently from everybody around them. Now, everything is better for the nursing mother. Comfortable. Or maybe I have just grown comfortable.
Internal Dialogue
The first defense against being uncomfortable with public nursing is to understand Internal Dialogue. It is a form of self communication. It is what we say to ourselves that other people are saying about us in their heads. Internal Dialogue is conversation that we have in our mind and not an actually voiced sentiment by the person we are pretending to hear.
A mother has complete freedom to choose her Internal Dialogue concerning her nursing. Because nothing is said, maybe some expressions exchanged but nothing voiced, she can view the society around her however she pleases. You can take the mental stand that others are offended because you were nursing in public or you can just as easily have the perceived conversation express that others are pleased to see somebody doing exactly what they had done at one point in their lives, or wished they had. Your Internal Dialogue is entirely in your power. Choose that dialogue which gives you the most comfort, power and joy.
I have nursed nonstop for over twenty years and have only been negatively spoken to by one person. And that was a woman sitting in my own living room! So, only that one time could I be sure what others were thinking. The rest of my perception was based entirely on what I thought they thought.
When people look at you there are several Internal Attitudes that you can have and each brings its own blessing and curse. Having a rebellious attitude rarely brings peace and unless you are spoken to, it has no place in the wonderful nursing relationship.
Options Building Attitude Through Internal Dialogue
1. Gaze at your nursing baby lovingly. Say to yourself that others can see the love you feel for your baby. Know that if that doesn't touch everybody's heart at least it will shame them should they ever think anything negative.
2. Look right at people as they pass and smile. Let your internal dialogue notice how friendly and confident others think you are. In reality, others will most likely be looking only at your eyes. In society people rarely look at a person's lap or breasts if the eyes are available. They probably won’t even notice how you are holding your baby.
3. When somebody has been looking and looks away quickly instead of thinking shame or anger just think that they looked away because they were offering you privacy for your special moment. Think that they couldn’t help looking a little because of their own personal memories of nursing or wishes that they had. Touched, they glance, look away and can’t help but want to glance back. This is just as easy as thinking that they looked away because of a volume of negative reasons.
4. If somebody is close enough to actually converse with you, take the initiative by saying something that connects the two of you. You could say something like, “My recliner is so much more comfortable than this bench!” Or, “It is so hard to eat with my left hand!” A common observation between mothers could be, “The smell of food always makes babies hungry...did that ever happen with you?”
Opening up for conversation can change things from Internal Dialogue to an external and for real one. You might have to deal with a negative response but also gives you a chance to identify with somebody and teach a little. Attitude is everything!
Communication Responsibility
The person with the greater experience has the responsibility in communication to help the person with less experience understand. The steps to doing this is to first identify with the person you are talking to by finding common ground. That is called building a rapport (pronounced ra-pore). Secondly, you can introduce the differences and it is rarely taken in offense by the other person. Common experience and then differences. In that order.
Since I have 10 children I have more experience than a person with 1, 2 or 3 in regards to what it is like having a large family. We have common experiences and they have some that I don’t, but in regards to mothering a large family, I have probably done it more often than the people around me.
Other mothers often say, "I don't know how you do it...I can't manage with 1!" Some mothers of large families take offense at this statement thinking that they are attacking their choice to have a large family. Instead, the darts are nullified if the mother of a large family builds on what both mothers know...having one child! Once they understand each other she can say a few things about a larger group of children and they are companionable in conversation rather than adversaries. This works almost every single time. Build on common ground and then share the differences. This attitude will allow you to enjoy the people you meet far more than taking an adversarial position.
In nursing babies use that same approach. If you want to communicate about nursing, it is your job to be sure you are understood. Find what you have in common with other mothers and let any conversation about nursing be part of life and not the all. Others will find you companionable and not judgmental. Often non-nursing mothers do feel uncomfortable with nursing mothers for the same reason as the reverse. When I first started it was the nursing mother who felt all alone. Today it is the non-nursing mother who feels the pressure. If you want to build good relationships it must begin with your Internal Dialogue and continue with your common mothering experience.
Excellent Assumptions
Assume that you know about nursing your baby and her needs better than anybody else. Assume the same for every other mother. Her decisions may be very different from yours but I can guarantee that most mothers love their babies with all of their hearts. Do not allow the nursing relationship be the only factor in interacting with other mothers.
Assume that most people either approve or simply don't care that you are nursing. Unless they say something..let that be your choice of thought. Once they speak up in an aggressive or critical manner, first of all assume that they don't understand something and meet them in an area that they do know...and teach after that. If there is still blatant disapproval, verbally expressed, then either pass if off or stand and fight.
By focusing on these assumptions you will find that most of the time life among strangers and their different styles is comfortable and even enjoyable.
To read more about public nursing....my own ups and downs, my memorable and sink-into-the-earth experiences please see my article: Public Nursing
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