Heavenly Father directs us through prayer.  Whenever there was a difference between Neil and me in what we thought were the answers to prayer, we would check very carefully to be sure we were both praying for or about the same thing, exactly.     This meant we had to come to a clear basic understanding with each other before we took it to the Lord to get clear answers.  We found it helps to understand how communication really works.

The closer a couple can come in unity to the language and intent of the prayer the closer in matching their answers will be.  Heavenly Father knows what we really mean but by encouraging us to build this unity through prayer he teaches us how to be unified in all aspects of our relationships.

When we needed to decide which chiropractic college to attend, we had a wonderful experience through companion prayer.  Dr. John Baum gave us a list of all of the chiropractic colleges in the United States.  We divided the map into three sections.  We each went independently to pray, then we met back and compared answers.  The answers matched!

We then prayed separately about the states within that area.  Again, our answer matched.  The state was Missouri.  Missouri had two colleges in it, one in Kansas City and the other in St. Louis.  The one in St. Louis was called Logan.  Of  course our inclination was to go there.

We again prayed separately and when we met together we found we both had felt we were to go to the Kansas City school.  It was called Cleveland Chiropractic College.  There was another branch of C.C.C. in the Los Angeles area, only a few hours away from us and our family.   The Lord was sending us half way across the country for the same school.  We knew then it wasn't the school that mattered but the people we would be in contact with.  The friendships we developed there have stayed with us over all these years.  People who touched our lives and we know that we were important to them as well.

When it came time to leave Missouri and set up practice, we again had all of America open to us.  We went through this process, only a bit differently.  This time we wrote down things important to us on the legal front and the states supporting those things such as home births, home schooling, and a liberal chiropractic scope of practice.  We got the answer that there were several places we could move to and be blessed.

Then I got the clear answer that the Lord would bless us most if we would go back to San Diego.  This I had never considered as I had assumed that since he had brought us out of San Diego we wouldn't be returning.  The Spirit told me if I could overcome some personality differences I would find in San Diego, we would be greatly blessed.  I committed to doing that and we were off.

It was a very surprising answer.  We never doubted that the Lord had sent us halfway across the country to attend school.  We had assumed that meant the we would never return to San Diego.  It didn't matter what we had assumed, the Lord was again clear in his instruction.

Dr. Baum hired Neil as an associate right over the phone.  He learned more from Dr. Baum than imaginable.  I did have serious problems with his work arrangement.  I remembered my promise to not let personalities interfere with the blessings the Lord wanted to send but it was hard.  I would have to pray every three months and I made Neil pray every three months about him staying at the practice.  Each time he got, "Yes, stay."  Each time I got, "Support the answer Neil gets."

I learned sometimes an inspired answer is, "I'll send the answer to your companion and you support it."  We both strengthened our trust in each other.  At last, I did get the answer that it was time for him to leave.  He struggled and finally got the same answer.  Another stage in our life had begun through inspiration.

Just as we feel it is important to pray daily to renew our relationship with Heavenly Father, we need to have some companion time each day, even if only minutes, to talk about whatever needs discussing.  Usually I do all of the talking but it works and Neil silently soaks up the stream of words.

When something really important needs discussing, we go for a drive in the car.  Neil drives and I talk.  This way, I am sure he will be awake for the monologue.

Neil is not sensitive to atmosphere.  Except being aware when there is a lack of the Holy Ghost, he is quite content to take things at surface appearance.  He is lousy at evaluating problems and coming up with solutions.  He is content with relaxing and doing little else unless an emergency hits.  He is the very best in the family at quick and thorough cleaning but he doesn't pick up his paperwork.  He loves to spend hours in the privacy of the smallest of reading rooms with a book.

He does household repair marathons where he does the year's worth of fixings in one day.  When finally I insist that something must be done,  he thinks I always want it done "Right now!"  We had an unfinished ceiling for an entire year before I told him,  "It needs to be done right now."  This was the only time I had even mentioned the task.  I could no longer wait for him to think of doing it because the owner was coming for a visit the following week.

Now for me to expect this wonderful man with these few quirks to be able to read my mind and know what I wanted or needed was not intelligent on my part.  I used to sulk.  If he wanted to take me out, he'd arrange it!  If he thought I was pretty he would tell me!  If he really loved me certainly, he would say it without prompting!  Neil would beg me to just tell him what I wanted because otherwise he would never know.  It took awhile but I caught on.

When I need him to say something specific I say, for instance, "Say, 'I love you,' "  Right away he will say what I ask of him.  I have tried to teach others sisters that this doesn't mean it is insincere, only that the man needs a big clue.  The difference between being happy or sulky is what you tell yourself.  If you tell yourself, "It's not real unless he thinks of it," you lose.  If you tell yourself, "He loves me and has just said so," you win.

A friend came and visited us for several weeks.  During this visit, she was also at odds with her husband.  There was no sin involved or serious problems but for her it was getting intolerable.  "I don't think he ever hears me.  He falls asleep anytime or place.  He only partly answers when he does talk," were her frustrations.

This woman knows Neil very well and truly respects him.  Living with us, she began to laugh again.  "Neil comes home from work and walks into the kitchen looking for food and then into the living room.  You follow him around talking to him.  He doesn't say much of anything at all and yet you seem perfectly happy."

"Sure, I get to say what I want and if he doesn't respond, then I have control and can choose to assume he agrees.  Everybody is happy when others have agreed with them."

"Neil falls asleep even when there is conversation going on and you laugh at him."

"Sure, then I can tell him what he missed and he gets a play by play of my perception of things."

But the biggest light dawned when I would tell Neil clearly what I needed and he would respond.  She caught on that many men hate the guessing game and prefer to assume all is well if there is no yelling.  Take away the guesswork for them (in relationship stuff and chore stuff), keep it peaceful by a healthy perspective and they are happy.  Now, of course this only works with men who prefer peace to power.

After we had been married for four years, we had some unusual stresses occur in our life.  Neil was in chiropractic college.  I was taking an intensive childbirth education course.  Neil was working to help support us through his schooling.  We had entered into some debt to help pay the costs of his education.  We had church responsibilities.

We lived halfway across the country from any other family members.  We had a two-year-old daughter and I had just given birth to our son.  He was born ten weeks prematurely while our first child, another son, had died of prematurity.  Ben was healthy compared to Marshall but still it was an incredibly stressful and frightening time.

Companionship between Neil and I cooled tremendously.  We were two people sharing a home and little else.  The unity we were accustomed to seemed to have dissolved.  More and more I reacted through little verbal attacks.  I would point out that something was wrong.  While I knew Neil would never leave me I was terrified that he had stopped loving me.

This continued for a year.  My heart was breaking, tears were falling, but I tried to make my daily activity appearing normal for the sake of my little children.  We continued to do all the right things:  tithing, church activity, prayers, fasting, Family Home Evening, and dates.  Everything.  And our marriage continued to become colder and lonelier than I could ever have imagined.

Then after listening to an afternoon session of General Conference I went in to nap with my year-old baby.  Neil stayed up to write in his journal.  Not much later he came into the room, slipped into bed and held me.  Neil cried.  "I was looking over my journal and read about how much I loved you when we first got married.  I realized I could no longer say those same things." The realization of all I had been trying to tell him for a year suddenly sunk in.  He was terrified, and the grief was all encompassing.

That moment, that afternoon, life got back on track for Neil.  In one intense moment he knew, let go, opened up, and everything was as it should be.  There was no doubt that the Lord had healed both Neil's perspective and his involvement in our companionship.

That moment, that afternoon, life finally seemed to end for me.  All that year, though I had been expressing my concerns, since Neil didn't verbalize the same, I could always talk myself into believing it really wasn't happening. Now, with the words out of his mouth he solidified the reality for me.  My deepest fear of my sweetheart no longer loving me was upon me.

In my panic I reacted on a spiritual level I had never been at before.  I reacted by concentrating entirely upon the physical.
All I could do was to build the physical relationship.  It took three months before I healed and my life with Neil was on target again for eternity.  In those three months I learned one of the most important lessons of this life.

The physical relationship between husband and wife truly is the power of God.  It is only those couples who have made eternal covenants and have been true to them, who can develop fully through the tenderness and ecstasy of such a oneness.  There is a healing and a connection a good marriage can find through a kiss and a touch that cannot be experienced any other way.

Satan tries his hardest to destroy us through physical desires before marriage.  He also does all he can to make the same relationship unappealing within marriage.  It is vital that we be on constant guard for the infringement of his spirit in this area.  We need to watch for the feelings of apathy, of tiredness, of overwhelming activity, and of mixed up priorities which leave us without the tender comfort of loving arms as we drift off to sleep.

Now we argue about once a year.  It is always the same and concerns how I spend money and how Neil does not spend money.  It lasts about thirty minutes and it ends without fireworks.  Sometimes it takes serious concentration to get past the anger and pride.  About three years ago another serious rift developed concerning financial choices but even at its most serious moments we pushed through enough because of maintaining our physical relationship.  Oh, it isn't the answer to all problems but it is a great equalizer.

Eternal companionship is often built by focusing upon something other then immediate thoughts and feelings.  Other irritants or life are as nothing compared to the near death we experienced because we had simply lost touch with one another.

When Neil was at chiropractic college, he was one of the few married students with children.  In many ways it was easier for him because he had a home to go to at the end of the day.  In other ways it was difficult.  The divorce rate among chiropractic, dental and medical students is very high.  So we had to keep a strict watch on priorities, a lesson that has helped us ever since.

He never brought studying home.  He did it at school or at work.  Neil had a job as custodian/janitor at the church building.  After the janitor part was over, the job required him to be there until midnight and could study all he wanted.  It was a wonderful break for us and an honest labor-study arrangement.

About half way through he had to stop working and go to full student loans.  We were having difficulties because of the health of our little premature son.  However, Neil made it through with honors because he relied upon the Spirit when it came time for the recall of the things he had studied.  He also made it through with an intact family and spiritual life.

We acquired a lot of debt.  We now believe it would have been better to go through school a little slower and with less debt.  That is hindsight speaking.  At the time we thought it was either borrow money or quit school.  We knew quitting school was clearly not the Lord's plan for us.

During that period was when I completed the home study course for Childbirth Education and the emergency midwife training.  I also went through bed rest to have Chani, Ben, and Chamrie so there were things of an eternal nature requiring our constant attention.

When the frustrations of these pressures became great I would talk about them.  In exasperation, Neil would declare that he would just quit school.  I would remind him firmly that quitting wasn't the Lord's desire in this matter.  It took going this round several times before Neil learned that I needed to verbalize frustrations.  I learned that he preferred to not have them pointed out.  Through love and smiles we found ways to meet both needs, sometimes my giving in to his need for silence and sometimes he gave in to my need for talking.

Words are so powerful.  When we were first married, Neil would frequently say to me (concerning church sports), "I really should go to the game and support the team."

I, conveniently,  always found something else for him to do.  After years of this when I first started learning NLP (brain language) we had a very enlightening conversation.

Neil mumbled at me, "You never let me go play."

"What?!?"

"You never let me go play sports."

"What do you mean?  You can go anytime you want!"  I said this with honest shock and somewhat defensively.

"Come on, Cherie, every time the topic comes up there's something else you want me to do instead."

Suddenly it dawns.  "Neil, you never said you wanted to go play.  All you ever had to do was say you wanted to play.  Instead you always said you should go."

"Same thing."

"No, it isn't.  If you had said ‘wanted', I'd have had no problem letting you go.  But when you said ‘should' I thought you were saying I don't really want to go but should unless I can come up with a valid reason not to go. So I always gave you the needed reason."

It turned out that when he was growing up his mother always had things for him to do.  Being a mother of a large family I can certainly imagine and understand the various situations.  However, because of her commitment to being supportive of others and especially concerning church activities, the phrase, "I really should . . . " always got him what he wanted.

So poor Neil had been frustrated some eight years because the automatic strategy didn't work with me.  What seemed so obvious to him wasn't communicated to me at all.  He was left feeling that I "never let him" play sports.  He is much clearer with his language now and much happier.

We have always been clear on our priorities.  First it was our relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  Next it was our relationship with each other.  Third it was our relationship with our children.  Church, friends, work and all other categories were comparable  with each other.  However, as we did some exercises in prioritizing, we discovered two important things.

First was that I had broader categories than Neil did.  Education, entertainment, vacations, dating, books and such, would all be under the category of Experience for me.  For Neil each would have its own slot.

Second was that the only real conflict for us was in my Experience category coming before my Healthy Eating while for Neil the Experience followed the Healthy Eating. Since I was in charge of our meals, when we did not have enough money for both Experience and Health, I would sacrifice healthy eating for cheaper meals so I could satisfy my higher priority.  This was only a problem when money was low.  This exercise allowed us to see why one area was an area of conflict.  This was not a serious conflict because the two categories were simply reversed between us but now we each understood the other better.

We also realized early in our marriage that when Neil was under financial stress he wanted to go see a movie.  When I was under the same stress, I wanted to go out to dinner.  Neil could find us cheap movie tickets but dinner out is never cheap.  This was a real struggle.  Combine the two patterns and you have a couple with money problems going out to dinner AND a movie to escape reality!

Understanding priorities will strengthening relationships and overcoming differences.

When I was a very young girl, I met my Great-grandmother York.  She was so very old.  I knelt at her feet holding her hand.  What a remarkable hand!  Deep wrinkles covered it.  She had only one smooth spot.  It was a simple golden wedding band.  I noticed how deep the band was sunk into her aged finger.  As a young child of seven I thought, "I want to love and be married like that, forever."

To be married like that it takes time.  It takes day to day struggles and joys.  Above all, it takes an eye focused on commitment and a heart blind to millions of moments of frustrations.

We have gone on weekly dates since we first left the temple as companions.  Sometimes those dates were in our home with a video or with a group of friends, but mostly we have stepped out of our home for our dates.

When we first married, Neil told me that he would like to do most anything if he didn't have to plan it.  If left alone, he would probably be just as happy sitting and watching TV as doing anything else.  "So, if you want to do something, plan it and then tell me."

I took it to heart.  Now, I could have been put out.  After all, the romantic thing is for the husband to continue courting the wife through weekly dates.  Do I live the rest of my life disappointed because I am married to a man who is content wherever he is, provided he is near me?  Do I take offense because he doesn't seem driven with a desire to date each week?   Do I sulk and doggedly decide that if he didn't plan a date then I certainly wouldn't?  Not on your life!  It is not in my character either to be an unnecessary martyr or to choose the paths that bring me emotional pain.

I would decide when and where we would go.  I gained a wonderful perspective.  When such things are left to me then I have control!  I also knew from the very beginning that the best way for us to date would be with other couples.

Neil and I have plenty of moments here and there for just each other.  A drive together to the store is perfect for going over any particular family difficulty.  It is the perspective and release through laughter with other friends that we both find the greatest benefits in our weekly dates.

Consistency is a big key in getting the dating done.  In wisdom, the Lord has said specifically "This day is the Sabbath."  In wisdom, we know one specific day each week is to be set aside for Family Home Evening.  In wisdom, we have found that setting a specific day aside for our date night is the most effective way to get the job done.

We prefer to go out when most people are staying at home.  Thus, we hesitate to date on Friday or Saturday nights.  Our local movie theater offered a bargain night on Tuesdays so it easily became our date night.  Neil knew that on Tuesdays we would go out so he never had to change thoughts of a quiet evening at home.  On the occasion when Tuesday didn't work, Thursday was our next choice as Wednesday nights were often filled with church meetings.  Picking a night and getting into the habit gives so much freedom.  You don't have to decide each week all over again.  It also makes it much easier to coordinate your date with that of other couples.

Think on this.  You are having a problem with a child and his performance of household chores.  As husband and wife you discuss various causes and responses.  This is healthy evaluation and planning.  Certainly it could relieve some stress because there is a feeling of unity between the two of you.  However, now take this same challenge out with you as you date with another couple or two with children of the same general age.  Suddenly you can laugh at the funny and frustrating things their children are doing and see your children as  quite normal.  An abundance of ideas can be gathered when there are more adults thinking on the matter.  Stress is decreased, perspective is put in proper focus, and laughter fuels your patience for the upcoming week.

For nearly seven-and-a-half years we double dated each week with Jay and Yvonne Trottier.  They had as many or more children than we had.  We shared many memorable dating experiences.

Once the four of us were sitting in a restaurant late at night eating dessert.  I was just thinking that between our two couples there were seventeen children at home waiting our return, when a group of women arrived, obviously having just finished with their bowling game.

They were seated right behind us.  They were laughing as they came in and soon continued their conversation.  We could easily hear them as we were almost the only other occupied table in the restaurant.

"Yankee Doodle Dandy, mind the music and the  . . .  words."  "No."  "Yankee Doodle Dandy, mind the music and the  . . .  beat."  "No."  "Yankee Doodle Dandy, mind the music and the drums." "No."

Finally, barely able to control his smile, Neil leaned over to me and said, "Steps! Just tell them steps!"  Turning around, I obeyed.  The women thanked me profusely.  "We have been trying to remember that word for a whole week!  See what happens when you have nothing better to do?"

None of us drank alcohol.  When we would go out water was the beverage of choice.  We would order an entire pitcher of water.  As the evening would progress, we would get sillier and the laughter could get quite out of control.  The running comment was that the craziness was the effect of the water.  Surprisingly, the waitresses always seemed to agree.  One restaurant would find a secluded place to tuck us away each week so the other patrons could have some peace.

Once eight of us went to a Chinese restaurant for dinner.  We had a wonderful meal and great conversation.  We failed to notice that all other tables had become empty.  Our plates were cleared and the leftovers given us in those square boxes.  We continued with our weekly party.  Finally, the owner came up and said, "Would you like some water to go?"

Another blessing of these double dates is that conversation flow so easily.  Some of the husbands may be quiet.  They can be quiet together.  The wives can converse together.  Some will add their dry humor and another will be triggered into a story.  I find it far more romantic watching my husband tell a story or laugh at a joke then gazing into his eyes across a silent table.

I cannot overemphasize the benefits of weekly dating upon a marriage.  Add to that the social parts of your companion's personality that good friendships bring out and you have a refreshing renewal of spirit.

A very important rule is to never use this time for a deep or underhanded attack of your companionship problems.  Although, once a problem has been healed, it is an excellent way to review it, and to lighten it with laughter.

Along with our weekly dates, we have for nearly a decade had a monthly party at our home.  This began when we were talking with some friends, Butch and Valerie Steimle.  The old phrase came up, "We have to get together sometime."

Butch promptly replied, "When?"  With his simple question a Logan tradition was born.

We have set aside a particular night each month to hold a party at our home.  It is an open affair with people dropping in as they can and leaving when they must.  We have a set night, for example, the fourth Friday of each month.  When we do meet people, instead of saying, "We have to get together sometime," we can give a very specific date and event.

This night is always eagerly looked forward to.  There have been times when there have only been three couples to sit down to a game and there have been times when there have been more than thirty people.  Always though, there is laughter, friendship, and great food.  Here is a list of party rules and suggestions.

1. Have the party on the same monthly time, such as the last Friday of every month.  This way, you always know to tell whomever you are talking to when you really can get together.

2. Have it begin late.  Eight or nine o'clock is good because then the younger ones are in bed.  Those adult friends who go to bed early would be happier going with you to an early dinner.  If you are the one that likes it early then change, sacrifice or nap for one evening a month.  It is well worth it!

3. Have everybody bring something to eat. Let all share in the stress or joy of bringing food.

4. If you stress over preparing food for others then be sure and make a no-fail item or even better, use the night to experiment.  That way, if it tastes great, everybody will think you're a good cook and if it is horrid then they will not think that you cook that way all of the time. For this to work you must be sure to let everybody know that you've prepared something new.

5. Go with easy clean up. Come on, splurge, occasional use of disposable plastic and paper won't hurt your budget too much.

6. Serve water.  If others really want soda, maybe they'll bring it themselves next time.

7. Play games.  Talking happens naturally and the games are fun.

8. Develop a basic party activity plan.  Our favorite game is Pictionary and we divide into two teams, the men against the women.  We like to play a two-team approach to almost any game, adapting the rules to suit our party personality.

9. Decide what to do with children.  Babies are always expected here.  Children who are here under age 12 play or watch a video.  Those from 12 to 15 years old are welcome until about 11:00 p.m. We want them to learn how healthy adults really enjoy dates and parties.  Children who are 16 and older are welcomed to join us all evening.  Sometimes children are brought and put to sleep in the extra room.

10. Get loud with laughter, it's good for the youth in you.

11. Have a basic rule-line ready.  Ours is, "No drinking, no smoking, no drugs.  Bring a treat and stay as long as you want."

I am a dominant personality and really like control in my life - mostly directed by me.  Neil on the other hand is gentle, easygoing and all around wonderful. I have been a homemaker ever since we were married.  Before my marriage I had four years of college without ever graduating because I could not find anything I wanted to do.

After marrying and being at home, I found I had the freedom to do whatever I wanted.  I studied herbal healing, childbirth as an educator and as an emergency childbirth assistant, cooking and shopping for a month at a time and education.  I prepared for and have totally home taught my children.  I have been involved for years in helping women on matters of breast-feeding, childhood abuse, and couple relationships.  I have immersed myself in genealogy research, freedom studies and many other areas.

Neil is an unbelievable gift.  I get angry easily and it is over quickly, but from the beginning I realized that he doesn't deserve to be treated to my childhood responses.  I told him to tell me "I don't deserve this" whenever I get overly reactive.  He does and it makes me even more angry for about 30 seconds and then my brain and my heart take over and I back down.

Things never have a chance to develop into problems because he doesn't react.  I do control things around our home but I try to never take from him the respect he deserves.  When people are around us, it is easy for them to believe I am clearly the dominant personality.  What is less obvious is that in my mind, Neil is the peaceful and dominant force behind all I do and am.  I have always felt that he was, for me, the perfect example of Christ.  He is patient, long-suffering, tender, humorous, forgiving and never overbearing.  Before being married to him I was shy, angry, lonely, and distrustful.  I attacked easily to protect myself.  The changes in me are due to the freedom I have had to grow in this loving environment of marriage.

Neil loves his work but his first concern is his family.  When we lived in San Diego he worked three days a week and took the financial loss that resulted because the children's childhood goes by so quickly.  He loves his children but his primary focus concerns my well-being.  This gives unbelievable strength when it has been a long tough day with several children.  He loves life and his priority is to be in tune with the Spirit and following wherever the Holy Ghost leads.  With such a companion anybody can overcome all of the little and the large frustrations we face constantly.

Because Neil is a chiropractor, we would get several calls from people wanting to represent our financial interests. They, of course, assume that because he is a doctor we have something to be interested in!

One day this woman called our home and wanted to speak to Dr. Logan.  I would screen advertising calls so I asked her name and what the message concerned.  She was from one of these investment companies.  She could hear the children in the background.  She told me she really needed to speak with Dr. Logan because, "It is rather complicated and you wouldn't be able to understand."

I said, "Oh, because I am home with small children?  I have had four years of college.  I am a certified childbirth educator with emergency midwife training.  I have had training in herbs, home management, communication . . . "  I continued giving my educated and life experienced qualifications for intelligence.

I was fuming by the time my husband came home.  Of course I recreated the conversation in detail.  When the woman called back Neil informed her that she would have to talk to me.

Then only a few weeks later a man came to the house to meet Neil about the same thing only from a different company.  He wanted to talk to Dr. Logan only.  Neil looked at him and said, "You'll have to deal with my wife.  She makes all of the financial decisions in our home."  And that was that!

For some, they might seem unmanly approaches but those two responses by my sweetheart have forever impressed me with his humility and deep respect for who I am and my role in our home.

Something I read years ago in an advice column really struck me. Some woman wrote about her mother and how terrible her life was because she didn't know how to have fun.  Their dad would take the children to have fun, the park, the zoo, the movies, and to the beach, and mother would always stay home.

I remember thinking, "That woman doesn't have a clue! How wonderful it is when Neil takes the children out to have fun and I am here alone at home.  Sure, I can work and clean without interruption or work my genealogy, or read, or sleep or vegetate in front of the TV.  It is the most wonderful gift to be home alone and not out having fun."  It is all in perspective.

When Neil first started to practice as a chiropractor he worked for Drs. Joan and John Baum.  They had a practice with an emphasis upon blood sugar problems.  He learned many things, especially from Dr. John Baum.  What he had to learn on his own however, was the importance of not being a doctor twenty-four hours a day, every day.

We took our young family of three children to the zoo.  It was hot and walking tired us by the time we had escorted them through sections of the giant San Diego Zoo.  As we were leaving, we stopped at the snack window and got a fruit popsicle for each of us.  As we began to walk toward the exit, I was talking away when I realized I was talking to myself.

I looked for my husband.  Where was he?  This was so strange, so unlike him.  I caught a glimpse of Neil hiding and ducking behind a pillar!  Laughing, I went to him and asked what in the world was he doing?

"There is a patient over there.  I don't want to recognize me!"  Why in the world not?  I could tell he was serious and I had the hardest time keeping from laughing outright.  "I don't want to be caught eating sugar!"

He grew into the doctor role quickly.  He mastered the appearance issue.  We then learned that our friends also had to master the same issues concerning Neil.  We went to dinner with a couple we had been friends with before we were even married.  Rahn and Sue were also patients.  We went to a restaurant famous for their food and especially for their pies.  After dinner the question of dessert came up.  Rahn and Sue looked extremely uncomfortable.  Finally, one of them said, "We feel strange ordering pie with our doctor sitting across from us!"  We assured them that when Neil wasn't serving as a doctor he was just Neil.

When Neil was working with the Baums, the hours were horrendous.  He became determined that while serving others and supporting his family was extremely important, the family interactions were even more important.  The Spirit whispered that his children needed his presence more than the additional wealth that would come through longer hours and a six day-a-week work schedule.  Still, sometimes it seemed he was never around in those early years.

In October 1985 Neil was just starting his own practice and I had three mobile children and pregnant.  Neil was working very long hours consolidated into a three and a half workday week.  The idea was for one day a week to be a partial workday and a partial family day.  The reality was another full day of his absence.

The Book of Mormon tells us: "When you are in the service of your fellow being you are only in the service of your God."  This can be an agonizing arrangement when your service is also your profession.  One particularly frustrating day of waiting for him to come home for a family outing drove me to my journal.

4:45 - "I'll be home in 15 minutes, half-an-hour at the latest."

5:20 - I call the office and the receptionist answers.  "Hello.  Yes, he's still here.  He was just walking out the door when a patient walked in, unexpectedly. He should be home within 20 minutes."

Dinner is ready.  The children are hungry.  I can't keep them waiting any longer or the younger ones will fall asleep with their mouths full!  I need to explain that Daddy won't be home for dinner after all.  I wonder if he'll be home before they are in bed.  Seven o'clock is some ways off, and yet, he is rarely home before they're asleep.  Still, maybe tonight . . .

He could have called.  It only takes a moment.  Worse, but at least something, he could have had his receptionist call!  I could still be waiting for him to show up at any moment!  Choices.  The choice always favors the clinic instead of the family.

Dates we've planned are always canceled or rearranged.  Even when we had a very special date planned weeks in advance, on a day off, he felt he needed to go in for an hour for a critical patient or two.

Expected and completely acceptable.  But he stayed three hours until I called almost in tears.  A patient never showed and he had waited . . .

Comfort the sick.  Give service.  Heal the sick.  Commandments we honor and in  following them receive countless blessings, not the least of which is our own good health.  Guilt, wanting him to sometimes say, "I am going out with my wife, spending time with my family."

Service.  When it is your profession, the sick, like the poor, are with you always.  I'm not talking about the emergencies, or those in intense pain, just the endless stream that fill all the available hours - sometimes until 11:00 at night!

Or the ones who show up an hour late, or the ones who don't show at all and never call.  Or the ones who don't show and don't call and then do call and say I'm leaving now and then show up another hour later!

When you are in the service of your fellow man is there no room for your family?  How should he balance it?  How do we adjust and keep perspective?  How did our Savior handle it?

6:00 p.m. -  The children are playing.  I'm alone in our bedroom.  The anger is gone.  The tears have stopped.  The feelings of being second choice remain but now worry for Neil's well being is pushing them out.  It's been much too long . . .

"Daddy's home!"  Three little voices yell and sing with delight, excitement echoing throughout.  "Daddy's home! Daddy!"  From them there is no anger. No tears. No rejection. No worry.  Only pure joy.  They cannot yet watch the clock.

"Be ye as little children . . . "  I wonder what would happen if I could break that clock?

I have read quite a bit about people saying you need to sit together as a couple and divide the household jobs. That works in a very limited way. Yes, you can decide who does this or that and come to an agreement, even about how often and thoroughly it needs doing. In reality, though, there are 101 things that need doing and will never come up in a job discussion. Someone does needs to be in charge of the home and the most likely person is the mother.

Once while we were on vacation and visiting a friend with three very young children, she privately asked me who was the head of our home.

"Neil is."

"How do you know? Does he make the decisions? Does he always lead in spiritual things, money, etc.? Is he bossy? How do you know?"

"No, none of those things. I make the financial decisions. I often call the family into the room for prayer and lead the discussion in scripture study, and I definitely am the boss when it comes to household organization."

"Then how is Neil the head?"

"Because I say so."

It started as a funny answer but then my thirteen-year-old daughter came into the room. She asked her,
"Who is the head of your home?"

"Dad is"

"How do you know?" my friend questioned.

"Mom says so."

Then my nine-year-old daughter came in. "Who is the head of your home?"

"Dad is."

"How do you know?"

"Mom says so."

Then my seven-year-old daughter came in and I asked her and she responded exactly the same. About fifteen minutes later Neil came in with this lady's husband. We asked Neil who the head of our home was. "I am because Cherie tells me so."

It Is All In The Attitude

We learned something from this interaction.  It really is my attitude toward Neil that my children pick up.  It is not confusing to them that I am bossy and the organizer in our home and still insist that Dad is the head.  It is how I perceive and treat my husband that matters to them.

Neil truly is the head of the home and I am the heart of the home.  The Lord himself has established these roles.  It doesn't describe what we do but what we are.

I have always been at home and Neil has always worked out of the home.  When he is home, he is happy being given a list or asked to do something specific.

The management of the home is my stewardship.  The responsibility of daily teaching falls to me.  Heavenly Father has so declared. Even though Neil is the head, he is not the kind of leader to dictate how I must fulfil my responsibilities.  This gives me the freedom to act as I feel inspired.

Presiding and Conducting Are Two Different Things

 When it came to events such as scripture study, Family Home Evening and such, comparing our organization with that of our ward helped understand the validity of what was working so well for us.

We came to realize that while Neil presides over our family, it certainly does not mean that he must always conduct.  In our ward the bishop presides but conducts only one third of the time.

The Head is Accountable to the Lord

Accountability before the Lord in this matter is clear.  We are each accountable for our own actions.  I am accountable for the management of my roles.  Neil is accountable for the management of his.  However, as head of the home Neil is accountable to the Lord for the rules, spoken and exemplified, of our house.  The weight of family accountability rests upon Neil.  He will answer to the Lord the question, "Are your teachings and examples in keeping with the Lord's commandments?"

If the commandment rule is, "Thou shalt not watch "R" rated movies," if our house rule allows for those movies, then Neil will be accountable because he is the head.

If our rule is that we have not allowed such movies and somebody disobeys the family rule then they are accountable for the sin.  However, Neil as head of the home will be clear of the sin of improper traditions.

The Heart is the Sustaining Spirit

The heart of the home is the spirit filling out the framework.  She influences the sustaining of the laws of God that the father supports.  She is more likely to get the little whispers concerning the areas needing attention to keep the family on its desired path.  She is accountable for sustaining that spirit which comes through righteous traditions and teachings.

The Lord desires the husband and wife companionship to build upon each person's unique talents within the structures of head and heart, presiding and sustaining.  Their unity provides security to their children.  The Lord does not expect a man to leave the chores to his wife, nor does he insist that the wife leave all decisions to her husband.  He does command that they be of one mind and one heart and each magnify their talents through love and service.

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