As we endeavored to teach our children the commandments of the Lord, we became aware of five important lessons.  The first was that there is a difference between a rule and a commandment.  The second is to teach the children that although we are parents we must obey the Lord just as the children must obey us.  The third is that they learn exactness in obedience from our actions.  The fourth is to teach that regardless of whether Neil and I know which child broke a command, how it was broken or who was diligent in keeping a command, the Holy Ghost always knows and he tells Christ.  The last and yet most important lesson is to teach them that commandments are given because the Lord loves us and we obey them because we love the Lord.

Rules and Commands

    When children are young, they do not notice the difference between a rule and a commandment.  The parent teaches both them.  Since the commandment they are most likely to break is, "Obey thy father and thy mother," the consequences of breaking rules and breaking commandments seems to be the same.
    As they mature however, they begin to differentiate between the two.  This is why we will speak of them as two separate things within our homes.  Frequently, there will be discussions between our older children and youth about whether something is rule or command.  They learn that rules are for their safety and for the management of our lives and that they change according to inspiration and the experience of the parents.
    Commands are eternal and while the Lord may change his policies of certain commands the actual command remains constant.
    Keeping the Sabbath Day holy is a perfect example of an eternal command that remains constant and yet changes policies of support throughout time.  The Lord has declared in these last days that the Sabbath Day is Sunday.  Yet in Israel the church has its Sabbath on Saturday.
    I feel that the Sabbath Day commandment is the most difficult of all commandments for parents.  The Lord has given some specific policies concerning it through our beloved prophets and apostles.  Yet you will find that other than those few guidelines the rest of the command is rather vague.  I believe that is because this command, more than any other, is set up so that we learn how to manage our own home or kingdom.  We use trial, error, and the Holy Ghost to determine what in our home we will do to worship the Lord and fill our lives with his Spirit.  We grow from this process and with children it is a constant struggle and a very creative, pondering endeavor.
    Thus you will find that different families who love the Lord and keep his basic Sabbath policies as laid out by his prophets,  will also have totally different Sabbath policies for the rest of the matter than any other family.
    Here is also where it is wise to differentiate between rules and commands.  I can say, "Avoiding arcade computer games on Sunday is a rule in our home.  In another home it might be OK.  When you have your home, you can decide to keep this rule or to not have it.  The command is to keep the Sabbath holy.  With only limited guidelines, the Lord wants us to determine this matter for ourselves."

We All Must Obey

    The very first command that a child learns, that he breathes with every step under watchful eyes, is to obey his parents.  We teach them that they need to obey because the Lord has commanded it of them.  We teach that we need to teach them obedience of the commandments because the Lord has commanded this of us.  We teach them that we as parents are as much accountable to follow rules, laws and commandments as the children are.
    Some rules really are different based upon age.  Some commandments are there for adults and some are there for children.  While the basic commandments are given for all, certain ones are given for the rearing of children which, although important to the children, are given specifically to the parent.
    This is also where you carefully teach that the parents are responsible for knowing that the rules and orders given are righteous.  I want my children to know that I expect them to obey other adults who may be responsible for them for some reason.  I equally want them to know that they need not obey anything that is harmful to them or contrary to the Lord's commands.
    This becomes so important when they are watched by people whose rules are different from our own.  Usually, we would want our children to obey.  However, should our children ever find themselves in a dangerous encounter with a wicked adult we want our children to know they need not obey the adult or babysitter.
    This principle of obedience is shown in several gospel stories.  It is shown in our day, as adults must decide if some laws are supportive of God or not.  Then we must determine how we are going to fight the laws or policies which are contrary.  Our children need to be taught this discerning ability so they can better govern themselves as they mature.

The Testimony of Our Actions

    Our children learn exactness in keeping the commandments through our actions.  Especially as they grow, they notice how faithful their parents are.  They learn that the Lord has commanded us in these days to avoid certain types of movies.  They know whether their parents follow that commandment or how the parent justifies not following.
    There are lines where crossing is breaking.  We once heard a talk from a church authority about pilots.  He said, paraphrasing, "The command was ‘Thou shalt not fly thy plane into the trees.'  Now, some pilots would be daring and see how close to the tree tops they could come.  However, at such a speed a sneeze or other sudden movement would find the plane crashing to the ground.  So the wise pilot would make his own line of ‘Thou shalt not fly below a certain level which is far enough away from the line of danger as to give a buffer for protection.'"
    Some things need deciding only once.  Unfortunately when we decide to follow an unpopular commandment, we might find ourselves explaining it quite often.  How we handle it, is also noted by our children and stored away for their future.
    Our children have heard us express our frustration several times when a movie with a favorite actor or interest is rated R.  They know we do not watch R shows at the theaters or on video.  They also know that we do not watch unedited R shows on our television or anywhere else.
    They also know that we might watch a television-edited movie that had been rated R in the theaters.  They know as well that there are many shows rated PG or PG13 that we would never want to see and a few that we have even walked out on.
    This may seem less important to a parent who only has small children, and yet they grow so quickly.  That example is such a natural part of their lives.  Suddenly they are teens and around adults with varying degrees of commitment on this matter.  I want them to know that we are solid in doing these things ourselves, and that we desire that they do the same when they are away from us.
    We already teach them what is expected of them as they grow.  We teach them to not participate in drugs, drinking, smoking, or sex of any kind outside of marriage.  We teach them to keep the Sabbath, attend all church functions, to be honest and lovingly kind and to place family first after their commitment to the Lord.  Whether they follow the rules and commandments will be their decision.  As much as we wish, it is not something we can control.  Nevertheless, we need to teach and do all we can to enforce what we expect and allow within our home because that is our stewardship.
    God gives us the commandments and allows us to reap the blessings of following them or the consequences of breaking them. He does not say, "This commandment is too hard for you, so you are exempted."  Instead he strengthens those who rely upon Him.  They can then continue following his path.  He certainly doesn't change his commandments to match the social norm.  My children know what is expected of them by both the Lord and by us.  They are also aware if we look the other way while they disobey within the walls of our home.  That testimony of knowing that our actions match our words is a wonderful one for the children to develop.  It deepens their trust that the Lord will do as he says, even in those things that take a long time in coming about.

The Holy Ghost Always Knows and He Testifies

    It is easy for children to get the notion that if no one sees them, and if they don't tell, then what they did wrong doesn't count.  In the early years the Lord blesses parents with the ability to see the unseen.  This constantly awes the youngsters.  We can be in the living room and know what they are doing in the kitchen.  We can walk into a mess and know just who created it.  There is nothing magical about it.  We simply know our children and have been children ourselves.
    Once I looked out of the upstairs bathroom window to see a folded up dirty diaper resting on top of the porch room of our neighbor.  This neighbor had only two sons and both of them in college.  Obviously, the diaper didn't belong to him.
    No questions needed to be asked.  Even in my house full of children, I knew the culprit.  I called Ben to me.  I wanted to know why he threw that diaper onto that roof.
    He was ten or eleven at the time and just stood there in silence.  He faced me and kept looking with his eyes to the right and to the left as if trying to find a suitable answer.  Finally he asked, "How'd you know?"
    Neil and Ben went next door with a baked treat and an apology.  The husband opened the door and quietly stood, waiting.  Finally in the silence he asked if Ben had something to tell him.  Ben nodded and remained silent.  The man asked if Ben was ever going to do it again?  Ben shook his head.  The man graciously accepted the baked treat and mentioned that his dogs enjoyed the dirty diapers.  Yes, there had been a few diapers that didn't make it to the rooftop.
    A few months later there was a knock at my door.  There stood our quiet neighbor with another used diaper in his hands.  I apologized and closed the door.  Then again I called Ben to me.  Again the same wonder at how I always knew.
    I was not about to give away the secrets of parenthood.  Instead I turned him around and swatted his rear three times.  This meant that the infraction was of the most serious kind and usually reserved for endangering lives.  I turned him back around and looked at him for a very long moment.  Then I turned him back around and swatted three more times.
    I can tell you that was totally unheard of.  Mother just doesn't do such a thing!  This is not painful beating, this isn't spanking out of rage.  That simply has no place in loving a child.  There were not even tears shed.  However, it was very out-of-character and shocked Ben.  He looked at me and asked, "Why did you do it twice?"
    I firmly replied, "Because you did it twice.  What do you think will happen if you do that again?"  He never did.  Of course, I would find that he had used those diaper balls as bowling balls in the garage and in the yard.  I would find them hidden under all sorts of stuff.  The diaper trash can would be handy but the balls would have overshot the mark and landed in the hedge frequently.  However, our neighbor never had to deliver another stinky present to our home.
    At some point a parent's ability to see the unseen is hindered by the child's growing ability to create more dust to cover the deeds.  This is why teaching the children that no matter what is done, who knows, or how well something may deceive parents, the Holy Ghost knows and will testify of all things.  In the end, repentance is not needed just for those things that are discovered but all things that interfere with our progression.
    There are times in a large family when we discipline the wrong person.  There are times when a behavior had shifted from one child to the next.  The parents are a step behind the shift.  It is important for the children to know that even when unjustly accused the Holy Ghost knows all and will so testify before the Lord.  They need to be sure that when there is any judgment of God it is not a mistake and not subject to the human error into which their parents sometimes blunder.
    I once read a book for large families and found an interesting train of thought.  The author said that discipline in a large family is not always the same as for a smaller one.  A wise parent does not always enter a messy room and ask, "Who did this?"  Group discipline works well with a large family.  If one child did not participate in the mess this time, she did last time.  So all clean up.
    She also mentioned that studies found that parents knew inherently which child did which thing and were correct 95% of the time.  She brought out that it is far better for the family if they administered consequences all of the time rather than being afraid of disciplining the wrong child 5% of the time.  There is always room for the parent to be humble and correct the error but to leave a home without consequences out of fear would cause the children to run wild and chaos to reign.
    So we expect as parents that we will make errors as we teach and train children.  I want them to know that the Lord will never make those same mistakes.

Commandments and Safety, Obedience and Love

    The purpose of commandments is to assist us in our journey to return to our Heavenly Father.  He wants us to return because he loves us.  He gives commandments for our safety and benefit.  As we remember our love for Him, then our desire to follow his commandments increases.  Through repentance when we have turned from him and the effects of the great atonement of our Lord Jesus Christ, we shall find ourselves ever closer to Him.  Eventually we will be where He dwells.
    Our Father knows how much He loves us.  He knows of the great love parents have for their children.  He gave the first commandment with a promise to be, "Honor thy father and thy mother."  He tells us the blessing of this commandment is, "That thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord, thy God giveth thee."  Of course the days should be the number that the Lord giveth.  Accidents happen, sin happens and ignorance happens which may shorten some days.  This commandment is given because the Lord is relying upon the wisdom of parents.  Wisdom that comes from being on earth longer than the child.  Thus the elder is required to see the younger one through the various struggles of mortality.
    We are not the parents and the ones to be obeyed because we are smarter, more beautiful, more spiritual, or stronger.  We are the parents because we arrived in this life before our children.  We are the parents to be obeyed because God has so declared and it is the natural order of his kingdom.  We cannot give that responsibility to our child.  We should never delegate it lightly but only with great prayer and purpose.  To automatically relinquish such stewardship because it may be a societal norm would still bring judgment upon us if we relinquished wrongly.
    If our hearts are in line with his then we love our children and give them rules for their safety, to bring peace and the Holy Ghost to our home, and to help organize their lives so that they will be comfortable in His presence.  Eventually, the rules change and open as the child grows.  While some remain constant, there are many that are created with the knowledge that they are temporary.  Remember, it is always easier to lighten an order than to try to make it stricter.

      I first teach my children the Word of Wisdom correctly from the standpoint of what is needed to go to the temple.
    I then teach them that our family follows it a certain way.  We abstain from certain sodas.  It is our family choice, one which we expect them to follow while in our home and under our stewardship.  We usually will call an herbal tea which is in keeping with the Word of Wisdom, "herb" rather than tea so that they are clear in their young minds that there is a difference.
    I then teach them that while the harmful effects would occur in nearly anybody there is a different judgment for the Saints in this matter because of the covenants we make at
baptism.  I do this because my mother, who is not a member, doesn't keep our Word of Wisdom.  I want my children to understand that she has not made those covenants and so not keeping the Word of Wisdom is not breaking those covenants for her.
    I also teach them that there are times when it is acceptable to not follow the Word.  When Neil was a child, his grandmother was drinking tea on prescription for a heart problem.  He was so worried about this because he knew this was wrong.  Under that circumstance it was not wrong.
    When I was pregnant with Chani, the safest method to keep premature contractions at bay was the intake of a certain amount of wine during specific intervals throughout the day.  Again, the Lord knows such things and it is not found a sin against the person.  Now, thankfully, there are other ways to help with prematurity because there were side effects upon many babies whose mothers' needed alcohol, yet they stayed inside long enough to live.
    The purpose for the Lord's health policy in these last days is to protect his covenant people from, "The evils and designs which do and will exist in the hearts of conspiring men in the last days."  The fact that there is caffeine in some of those products is incidental.  Such was not known in Joseph Smith's day, and there may yet be reasons that we have not realized to give strength to this current command.
    The Lord has said this command is, "Adapted to the capacity of the weak and the weakest of all saints, who are or can be called saints."  In other words, the specifics mentioned are the least amount of strictness that one could expect from a covenant follower of Christ.  We also have living prophets who may add to this wisdom anytime the Lord directs.
    A point on the caffeine issue: I was a childbirth educator for a homebirth group for some years.  This was not an LDS organization by any means.  During that time, they sent me a paper on the effects of caffeine on pregnancy and the request that the mothers be so warned.
    The paper listed the caffeine contents of most popular drinks and food items.  I noticed that while coffee and black or green tea had between 65-85 mg/cup, a cup of homemade hot chocolate was only 5 mg/cup.  Of special interest to me was that some candy bars registered as high as 125 mg/bar.  It always seemed likely to me that extra caffeine may have been added for the addictive effect.
    The only people who have ever criticized us and been offended with our not drinking caffeine sodas were other Latter-day Saints who do drink them.
    When most people ask if we would like something that we don't drink a simple and gracious, "No thank you."  Or, "Could I have a glass of water instead?" is all that they need.  Because in our family water is the standard beverage with juice and sodas considered treats, this is easy to explain.
    I have been very careful to teach my children that even for a Latter-day Saint the drinking of sodas is not breaking the covenants.  I found myself grateful for that when once one of mine inadvertently had something to drink that we normally wouldn't.  What a wonderful conversation that opened!
    Sadly, this family preference was never a problem with other Saints when we lived in San Diego.  There the Saints who didn't abstain from caffeine sodas seemed to understand that it was a family choice.  In Utah, however, we must ever be ready to "not offend" concerning this issue.

      One of the hardest daily tasks for a parent is to determine how to deal with disobedience.  "Why can't they do what they are supposed to?"  Parents give that agonizing cry because of the relentless manner in which children ignore the routines and rules established.  There are many wonderful ways to bless children for positive behavior.  It is what to do about the negative behavior that often has a parent stumped.  We have found that ignoring the undesirable is often a big mistake.  Yes, sometimes that is exactly what is needed; however, in a big family ignoring something means that a handful of other children will feel compelled to try it.  So here are a few suggestions.  Remember that creativity, humor and loving firmness are important in the teaching and disciplining process.

Squirt Bottle

    Neil calls this the Lazy Man's Discipline.  He says that the problem with rules is that there needs to be follow-through when they are not followed.  When we ask a child to do something and he doesn't, then somebody has to get up and guide them through the request.  This takes work.
    So, out comes the squirt bottle.  Point and squirt is so much easier then standing up and crossing a room.  Sounds trivial?  When you have a handful or more children that you have to guide, believe me, it is much better to do so from one location.
    The fun thing about the squirt bottle is that it gets the child's attention which normally is the only real problem.  They might hate getting their clothes a bit wet.  Yet the next hour they might have confiscated all the water bottles and are chasing each other around in the yard.  Actually, this often turns into a play time between parent and child.  We got so that we had several bottles on hand and I would have to send EVERYBODY outside.
    Neil and I once came home from shopping to hear roars of laughter and yelling coming from the kitchen.  We quietly climbed the stairs to find Neil's dad sitting at the dining room table with one squirt bottle in each hand and nailing the children who were ducking behind the counters in the kitchen.  Certainly this is not a traumatic discipline and yet it is so very effective for grabbing the children's attention.

Time Out

    Time out works quite well if you take the time to train the child.  When they are young and doing something that needs stopping, pick them up and set them in the time out spot.  Take your hands away and just as you see them start to squirm to get down, which is only about two seconds for some children, say, "Ok, you can get up now."
    Do not try to keep the toddler in the time out seat for any particular length of time.  If you do, you will be inviting a battle.  Instead use this moment to teach that they get up when you give the OK.  Of course your attitude is very important.  If you appear to have said, "Ok, you can get up now." As if you have given up and the child's squirmy nature was what forced the issue then it won't have the effect you want.  You want to teach them to sit until you decide they have sat enough.  At first, that is as long as they can without actually getting up.
    Gradually you can have them sit for a minute or for two.  Time out really is for separating a child from a behavior to give it time to dissipate.
    Sometimes I will place two children in time out and say, "When you are happy with each other then you can get up."  Then I allow them to decide when they are both ready.
    Sometimes children will arrive with little hurts.  I cuddle them for a moment then I suggest they take time out until they feel better.  When they feel better, they can go back out to play.  Most of the time, this suggestion is enough for a quick smile and rapid departure.
    When we use time out for discipline, I do not allow toys or anything else to be in their hands.  When time out is for other reasons that might arise then I let them read or look at a book.

Grounding

    Grounding can be very frustrating for parents.  It extends for a longer time than just a few minutes.  You have to remember that grounding has been implemented for one reason or another.  The child will not forget but neither will he remind you.
    Deciding between the parents what grounding means is important.  There are times when grounding means no children over to play.  Sometimes it means they can't go to a friend's home.  We have decided that a child we ground may still attend any church function.  Anything that we do as a family is also permitted.  If you ground a child and don't want him to participate in anything outside the home including family outings then you have to be prepared to abandon family activities for a while.  For us it seems better to not have the grounding extend into family matters.
    If a child is not trustworthy in following the rules at home then he isn't trustworthy to follow them outside the home.  When they are ready and have shown that they obey us at home then they extend beyond our presence.  If they are found to not obey the commandments of the Lord or the rules of our family while away from us then we bring them back to the maturity level of freedom they have exhibited they are performing.  That is the nature of grounding.

Words and Silence

    As our dear children grow we have noticed that sometimes arguing occurs.  When that verbal sparring is between the parent and the child, the Spirit will leave much faster than in disagreements just between the children.  There is a man named Gregory Bodenhamer.  He wrote the book and lecture series called Back In Control.  He mentions that you never argue with somebody younger than you.
    For a parent to learn that they do not have to have the last verbal word to have kept control of their responsibility is a very important step.  Sometimes the best action is to state the decision and then to stay quiet.

Jelly Beans

    We buy the smaller jelly beans in a variety of flavors.  There is an art to using a blessing as motivation for children.  First you have to decide how many jelly beans you are going to give for whatever you want done.  You don't need to give each child the same amount.  If one earns more than another, so be it.  There is no discussion or bartering on this point.
    After the task is completely finished, you count out each child's pile.  It is important that you take no orders for specific flavors.  If you let the children choose then you will become frustrated because it will take forever.  You will want to be about your business instead of standing guard around the jelly bean jar.
    Give the children the beans and let them trade among themselves.  Sometimes a child gets beans that he doesn't like and nobody will trade.  Oh well, next time he will get a different group of flavors.  I have found that it is a rare child who will refuse to eat the blessing just because his favorite flavors were not present.  However, once he finds that you are willing to exchange with him you have lost all ability to have this be a stress-free help.  The trading takes no supervision from you except to keep everybody aware that coercion is not allowed and all trades will be even.
    Do not give beans for every task accomplished at the moment that it is done.  This would take too much of your time.  If you are going to bless school work, housework, behavior, or for any special reason this is great.  Add them up and give the beans only once a day or you'll go crazy with all the bean breaks.  We usually give beans after school and on some days we give it after evening scripture study.
    Babies and toddlers get free beans.  This is a blessing, not a bribe.  What is the difference? Why your attitude of course.  It is all in the parents' state of mind.

    I have worked hard to teach honesty and responsibility to my children.  I like being a friend to my children but I realized along time ago that they have lots of friends and only one mother.  When those two roles are in conflict, the mother must be the primary role.  When they are adults then the friendship time comes to the forefront just as it does with my friends now who are of various ages and experiences.  Being a mother means that I have to do things that are not popular. Afterwards I hold my child and explain exactly why I did what I did and if it embarrassed or saddened her, I acknowledge that as well, with all the heartfelt tenderness that I feel.

    Neil and I consider ourselves strict parents with a desire to make life as relaxed as possible.  Our rules center around commandments, courtesy, safety and functioning in a family setting. We knew we wanted a big family and so tended to look at establishing rules that would work well in a multiple child situation.  Rules such as bedtime were set up to preserve us as a couple and to ensure that we were not worn out by the time we had several children.  We felt it was easier to start strict and lighten as needed rather than the other way around.

The Basic Rules in Our Home

1) Do your jobs before eating.
    A parent will get results quicker when the children are hungry but before they can claim that they are starving.

2) No quarreling, no fighting, no name calling, no playing the Bad Guy, no forcing someone else to play a role they don't want, no excluding others.
    We have found that verbal confrontation usually will precede physical confrontation in younger children.  So we really stay on top of quarreling.  Some children quickly learn that they can quietly irritate another child.  That behavior always needs to be watched for.  Also it is easy to think that the youngest in the family is the victim.  Generally, the youngest is the victim for a few years and this establishes the habit of disciplining the older child in a conflict.  However, at some point the youngest will realize the power in being the victim.  About that point, you need to break the habit by no longer treating the youngest as the innocent toddler.

3) If you can't get along in the family or you can't fulfill your responsibilities here then you are not ready to be away from home for anything else.
    When we place them on time out or ground them it is because of behavior problems.  When they cannot get along at home, when they don't obey family rules, and when they are not responsible within the walls of our home, we lose trust that they obey the rules when they are away from us.  It makes sense in such situations to keep the child near us until we are again confident that obedience is again the preferred choice of behavior.  We establish from the beginning that any restriction does not mean that the child can go places with either Neil or me.  Since the concern is the trust factor while the child is away from us we have no problem taking him on family outings.  We also do not include church activities as part of the restriction.

4) No picking the nose and then doing gross things with the by-product.
    We are constantly working on this rule.  Once we bought a product used to stop children from sucking their thumbs.  We decided to paint their fingers so that nose picking would be especially nasty.  We discovered this is quite an art and that each child used different fingers and a different method of performance.  Included in this rule would be the million other gross things that boys particularly find amusing.  This past month someone taught my sons how to make sounds mimicking the passing of gas.  Ryan has decided that this is a lovely accompaniment to the Primary Sharing Time.

5) Always flush the toilet.
    You think this would be an automatic behavior.  Somehow I managed to learn this as a child.  It seems to go hand in hand with always close the door.  Always put your coat in the closet.  Always put your earrings away when you take them off.  And always, always, always put the toilet paper upon the roll.  When my children are grown and not visiting then these rules will finally be followed in our home.  All except the toilet paper one.

6) Only school videos and shows during school time.  Only approved videos and broadcasts.
     We have strict guidelines about movies and television.  Even following the guidelines we find you can fill the day with great viewing.  It is just as important to limit the hours of passive, visual entertainment as to govern the content.
    There are some days when we will spend the day in a special series, for instance the six hours of Around the World in Eighty Days or Pride and Prejudice.  Usually those days are rainy or following a very hectic period.  For years, we allowed the helper to pick a two-hour movie on Fridays and the rest of the week was school videos decided by the parents.
    We use the video recorder extensively so that we can watch shows at the times we choose rather than at the normal program time.  I do not allow cartoons for the most part.  We sometimes purchase cartoon videos.  It is the constant bombardment of cartoons on television, one spilling into the next that is not conducive to happy children when the time comes to shut off the viewing.  I will sometimes a particular afternoon show when I want some quiet time in the afternoon.

7) No swearing or rude, crude language
    I enjoy language.  It is an actor's rich voice that first draws my attention.  It is a woman's beautiful song that touches my soul.  It is the tones, patterns, and phrases that cause me to tune into the Spirit and understand and empathize with the people around me.  When I watch somebody conversing in Sign, it is the physical manifestation of language that holds me in awe.
   Because of my enjoyment of language, I find crudity highly offensive.  It attacks my mind and brings communion to a stop.  Now, certainly there is a level where this happens.  I choose to avoid that stopping point if possible.  That is why I decided that certain language that would not be considered swearing would also not be spoken in my home.
    I understand that some things which I find crude would not be crude by another's standards.  Certainly I am aware that some conversations that I enjoy, might embarrass or offend another.  I realize that my children may have an additional set of communication guidelines in addition to the basic commandment of not swearing.
    I also know and rejoice that the Lord has made Neil and me to rule in our home and to establish those things which we want.  If it assists us and our children in returning to him, we are in line with his desires for us.  So, I insist upon a language level that doesn't hit those points of stopping my brain in dumbfounded irritation.
    All this being said I can also add that children do change their parents.  As I mentioned earlier, I first started as a mother calling the contents of a dirty diaper, "Bowel movements."  Now, years later I have happily been converted to the simple and quick term of, "Poop."

8) No gum chewed anywhere around Neil and me or in anyplace where we live or drive...use freely elsewhere
    This is a quirk in our family.  We don't like to see our children chewing gum.  All I can think of when they have gum, is the mess I know could result in a thoughtless moment.  So I have used this rule to teach them that there are some things that are not wicked, not dangerous, not contrary to God's laws that we choose to disallow.  I let them know that it is absolutely acceptable for them to have gum when they are anywhere else if it is OK with the adult in charge.  It has been a fun rule for teaching them to respect a house rule that has nothing to do with right and wrong.

9) Bedtimes are established for the benefit of the parents.
    Our children have bedtimes.  Those times change when their parents decide.  We established bedtime not because of any thought that the children might need sleep but rather because we needed a time each day when we were not completely acting in our roles as parents.
    We have found that in moving from San Diego to Utah, keeping the bedtime rule is much harder than it had been.  It is a constant struggle: not a struggle with the children so much as a specific routine is well established.  The struggle is in Neil and me taking the time - at the planned time - to stop and begin that routine.  It really is the parents' job to establish and follow through on sleep management.
    Having a time each evening when a husband and wife can be adults without performing as parents, is a very important factor in keeping personal sanity and marital union.  Finding the right times and routines for sending the children to bed and the teens to another room is a difficult and ongoing task but well worth it.

10) Seat belts and buddy system are strictly enforced
    There are two rules that we so strictly enforce that they could be considered Logan Commandments.  We give them entirely for safety.  The first is that all in the van will always wear seat belts.  We have always enforced the seat belt rule.  A benefit that is not usually considered is that when a child is restrained by a seat belt he is not moving all over the vehicle.  This makes for a peaceful ride with the minimum amount of quarreling.
    The second is that nobody goes anyplace alone.  We use the buddy system and teach it from toddlerhood.  Usually we pair up an older child with a younger child.  It works.

11) If you make the food for yourself then you make it for all
    This is a rule that we had to establish as our children discovered the joys of cooking, baking and preparing meals.  We started hearing cries of disappointment from some who did not get a bite, or a sandwich, or a plate of whatever was made.  Following those cries came, "I made it for my own lunch!"  To keep peace among all concerned, we established this rule.
    This also holds well when there is not enough of an item to go around.  If there is not enough for all the children currently at home then it may not be eaten by another child.

12) Only adults eat in the living room unless specific permission is given.
    This is probably the rule most commonly broken.  When we lived in San Diego, we rarely ate in the living room.  When we moved to Utah, we first lived in a home where the eleven of us couldn't sit together easily at the table and still leave room for me to come and go with our nursing baby.  This resulted in the children and grandpa eating at the table and Neil and I eating on the couch.
    I didn't mind my older children eating in the living room, especially when they were babysitting for us.  However, we did insist that they not do so when the younger children were up.  When we return from our date we can see right away by any crumbs on the carpet if the rule has been obeyed.

13) If you buy a treat and eat it in front of any other child you must share one piece and only one piece with each sibling.
    We established this rule because we try to take the Helper out once a week and he can buy some little treat.  We want him to eat it before we get home.  Sometimes that doesn't happen and then we encourage him to eat the treat when the other children won't feel left out.  If he doesn't want to do that then he knows he has to share only one piece or part of the treat with each other child and the rest is his.
    As our children grow and earn their own money we have maintained this rule.  They can eat it when the young ones go to bed or share.  The younger ones know they only get a little and I can be firm without being caught in conflict with the children.

14) Absolutely no doors closed in play and nobody of opposite sex in the bedrooms.
    When we were young, it seemed that all parents had this rule.  Now television and movies imply that is no longer the case.  There are rules that when established, protect not only from actions but from imagined actions.  While we are not strict on this rule with our young children, we are as they approach puberty.
    We like our girls sharing rooms and our boys sharing rooms so that they would not be scared in the night, because in real life as companions they will share a room with another person, and because it makes a bedroom a more public place.  Keeping the doors open during play times allows for communication as I can hear the children and they can hear me when I whistle.

15) When you have permission to go someplace or to do something, locations and activities may not be altered without renewed permission.
    There have been a few times where the children have ignored this rule.  Just recently Ben went to play at a friend's home.  The friend and Ben decided to walk to the corner store.  Neither cleared the walk with parents and both seemed to think they could just claim the other parent had agreed.  It didn't work and grounding resulted on both ends.

16) If you can't find the TV Guide then you can't watch TV.  Lately we have included locating the remote to this rule.
    My pet peeves are small ones.  Never being able to find a pen.  Finding an empty container in the refrigerator.  Being told, after the shopping trip, that we are out of laundry soap.  However, my most irritating peeve is not knowing where the TV Guide is hidden.  That little magazine will stay around the living room all week just waiting for Saturday to arrive.  Come Saturday the guide is gone.  The only hope of finding it is to not allow any viewing until it is in my hands.
    Neil on the other hand gets irritated when the remote has vanished into thin air.  He enjoys flipping channels late at night and that is an impossible game without the remote.

17) No walkmans or earphones for any reason.
    I am personally convinced that one struggle teens face is a sense of isolation.  I feel that using earphones while listening to music increases this sensation.  It is not a healthy feeling at any age and especially at the turmoil times of adolescence.
    I also believe that it is the parents' responsibility, given to them by the Lord, to maintain the Spirit in the home.  I do not feel it is a child's right to listen to whatever is popular when in my home.  The parents have to account to the Lord for the environment that they tried to create for their family.  Since that accountability is theirs, so should be the governing of things such as music, videos, books and magazines, as well as language and other behaviors.

18)  No music of any kind when Mom is sleeping.
    When I need to nap, I can do so with relatively little difficulty.  However I cannot sleep through one of my children crying or through a child pounding on something permanent such as a wall.  I will also wake up instantly when even the whisper of a phrase such as, "Oh no!" is sounded anywhere in the home?
    However, nothing can destroy my sleep quicker than to hear music playing.  It seeps into my subconscious.  Whatever rest I managed to catch is destroyed as my brain kicks right into verbalizing the words or melody.  So my children absolutely may not watch any movie with music, play the piano or listen to the radio while I sleep.  Through this rule they are learning to be considerate of another's physical needs.

19) The backyard gate stays closed and all entries and exits from our property take place through the front door.
    I like to know who is at our home and so I insist that all guests come in through the front door.  I like to know where my children are and I can hear that door open and close.  That way I keep track of all incomings and exits.
    When we moved to Utah, this became even more important as there were friends all around us.  The home we first lived in after our move had the bedrooms on the basement floor.  Ryan quickly discovered that he could leave by the basement door and I'd never know.  He was only four years old and enjoyed this short-lived freedom.
 One night he asked if he could play at the neighbor's home and she agreed that he could come over after breakfast.  He awakened her home by knocking at an awful hour.  She looked at my four-year-old son and asked if he had eaten breakfast.
    "Yes, I had burnt chocolate chip cookies for breakfast."
    We quickly reestablished our long standing front door rule.  We had no more problems with it that summer nor the following winter.  However, when the new summer arrived, the same problem and a new fear popped up.
    Neil was working around the corner doing some construction on a neighbor's garage.  He heard a baby cry.  It sounded like our baby as impossible as that should have been.  Puzzled, he left the garage and walked down the driveway.  Behind a parked car he found our daughter, dressed only in a diaper.  She was 14 months old, alone, frightened and crying.  He gathered her into his arms and came home, his heart and mind filled with all that could have happened to our beloved daughter.
    He had expected to find the front door left open and instead found that the back gate was ajar.  We again had to reemphasize the family rule.

20) Nobody may be home alone with friends of the opposite sex.
    Neil and I established this firm rule when we first married.  It was a rule the church uses for its leaders and we felt there was great protection in it.  Over the years we have had many people live with us, some for a few nights, many for a few weeks, some for months and even years.  Except when our adopted grandmother, Marina, lived with us, we have followed this rule with exactness.
    When Stephanie and her three small children lived with us for over two-and-a-half years, we could laugh with friends over the inevitable polygamy jokes.  We all knew that there was never an opportunity nor an appearance of misconduct.  We did not consider small children to be witnesses.  While it was an irritating rule at times, we have always followed it.
    We leave with our babysitting children a list of people that they can invite into the home even if we are gone.  Other than that they may not let people in.  Speaking of babysitting, we don't let our children play outside while we are gone.  We feel that there is more likely to be an accident during outside play and we don't want that to happen.  We limit television enough so that when we go and let them watch taped movies it holds their attention quite well.

21) Last of all, the most current household rule: You may never dig your way to China.
    This rule could also be called, "It is the parent's job to find out what is going on."
    Or we could call it, "Some rules need to be made and changed constantly."
    My sons kept telling me about the hole in the back yard.  It was under the second floor deck.  I smiled and nodded and continued with whatever I was doing.  Soon my girls were telling me about this cool hole in the back yard.  I said that was nice and thought that it was keeping them all entertained.  I went out for a very quick look and saw a tiny pit.  No problem there so I returned to my various projects.
    The next thing I knew we had a dozen neighborhood children coming in and out of my home headed straight for the backyard.  We had fine brown dirt showing up on our black couch.  I had children suddenly filthy from head to foot and a couple incidents of dirt in someone's eye.
    When one of my children mentioned finding wires and pipes, it sunk in that I knew nothing about what was going on.  I went outside and down the stairs.  I looked at that little pit.
    What I had thought was a little hole was a cavern with a tunnel.  They had taken plywood and placed it over the cavern and covered it with dirt from the excavation.  That is why it looked OK to me at a quick glance as I thought I was just looking at the ground.  It was so deep that my 10-year-old Chiya showed me she could sit upright in the cavern and not bump her head.  The tunnel was extending beyond the cavern and ran under the grass.
    Suddenly terrified at the thought of my baby being caught in a cave-in, I ordered that all would be put back to normal.  I explained the safety factor and my children having been constantly taught about safety actually agreed without whining.  I suspect that as fun as it was, something had been telling them that it wasn't the best thing to be doing.

Most of these rules change through the years.  One of the wonderful things about being Mom is that I can rearrange, alter and eliminate rules.

    After Chani was born Neil and I talked about how we wanted to raise our children.  Neil wanted to be involved in their lives.  He also knew that he would automatically just sit down and vegetate once he got home from work.  I told him that the hours I spent alone at home were equal to the hours he spent away at work. Once he came home the hours ahead of us were also equal and his work hours shouldn't be over while mine was still going at 100 percent. Instead, we should cut my work in half the moment he walked through the door.  Because he had to do all my home jobs for a few months in order for Chani to get here safely, he knew exactly what I was talking about.
    He only asked me to be specific about what I wanted him to do because he wasn't good at guesswork.  Life is so hard when we become angry over assuming our men should just know the things we want or need them to do.  I found that mostly I wanted one of two things from him in those early years.  I needed him to either to take the child so I could do what needed doing or for him to finish what I was doing while I nursed the baby.
    Now, years later our job has evolved more into teaching and supervising the children than actually doing the household tasks.  Routines should free your family by organizing the things that need doing each day.  They free you by giving a structure to events and activities so that constant and repetitive decisions don't need remade.  It is a great help when you begin to act as the supervisor and teacher in your home.
    For nearly anything that you want routines for I recommend three levels.  The first would be the basic routine for that situation.  This is what you do and how you do it nearly all of the time.  Then there is the  minimal routine.  This is the one you use when time or energy is short. Then there is the best routine which is used when you have extra time or energy.
    Routines adapt over the years.  New ones come in and old ones change.  We have used routines for school time, Sundays, Family Times, bedtime, chores including laundry, baby and meals.  I prefer broad routines, the type that we move through from point to point rather than timed ones.  I have the biggest struggle with routines that require things done according to a clock.
    We have a very specific morning routine.  It is very vague about the time that it begins but clear as to the order that things are done.  The children know this routine by heart and yet we often feel it a hopeless task to keep them focused.  Still, the routine gives a loose structure to our lives.  We can enjoy free time without guilt because of following the routines.
    I have often thought that I should tape our morning conversations and simply replay them for the children every morning.  Maybe then it would sink in that the answers to their daily questions are always the same.
    Can I have pancakes?  That would be a good dinner but we're not making the mess for breakfast.
    What about French Toast?  Same thing, that is for a dinner meal.
    Can I watch TV?  You have your rooms to do, your downstairs jobs and school, and then we'll talk about it, not before.
    Turn off the computer until your jobs are done.  My job is done.  Have you vacuumed your room?  Well, no.  Do I have to do it?  Yes, you have to vacuum every day.  It doesn't need it!  Regardless, I have found that it is the best way to insure that you clean it.
    So it goes every morning.  I am so glad when morning jobs are done and we can concentrate on anything else!  Routine is normal in every life.  The question is, have we chosen the routine or have we just fallen into it through thoughtless habit?

    I once watched an old Disney cartoon and realized that I will never again need those books on how to get children to do their jobs.  I need only remember the lessons of that cartoon.
    The old park ranger saw the giant mess of trash left on the grounds after all the campers left and hated the thought of picking it all up.  "Wait a minute," thought he.  "I shouldn't have to do that, after all I'm the boss!"
    So he called all the bears together and attempted to make the prospect of pick-up seem fun and a game.  He used music and laid out clear boundaries.  This worked great too, until the bears realized that they had been tricked!  Pick-up isn't fun, it's work!  Then they threw a collective temper fit and dumped out the trash all over the ground.
    At this point the ranger became a wiser man.  He cooked a great meal.  He laid out all the plates for the bears.  Then he called them to dinner.  He talked about all the wonderful food and made sure the aroma of the meal whetted the appetite of the hungry bears.
    Then he pulled out written instructions and said, "It strictly says here that no bear may eat until his section of the park is cleaned up."  Oh no!  Up jumped all the bears and they rushed off to do their jobs.  When they were finished, they were given food.
    Except poor Humphrey.  Poor, sad Humphrey.  His bag had broken and instead of stopping to clean up the mess that resulted he played the Poor Me and hoped for food.  No such luck, instead he was sent back to clean his area.
 In various scenes he did everything except pick up.  He hid the papers under a bush,  he stuffed them in a hole, he got them in a pile and tried to burn them.  He did everything he could think of, except taking the few needed minutes to clean up.
    The wise ranger stayed firm and in the end Humphrey did the job and ate.  So now I know, when the children are being Humphreys if I just outlast them, perhaps they'll do the job for real.  This happens frequently as a matter of genetics, after all one of my surnames is Humphrey!
    Chores can bring out the worst in a family.  I think that if only I could overcome this organizational yelling over the various tasks then I would have become a real adult.  When things happen like Chamrie informing me that the reason she was spending so much time doing dishes was because, "I'm just going through a stage, Mom, All children go through this," we tried to not laugh.  But sometimes it is hard to keep a straight face.
    Like Ryan telling people that his daddy is in jail because when Neil goes to work Ryan can't go and the only thing that can keep these two apart must be jail.  Certainly work must be a bad thing if it could cause a little boy to think it is jail.
    Chani is often in another wonderful world.  When we remind her to do her job, she  smiles, hugs me and goes off to do it, and gets lost somewhere.
    Ben just asks, "Do I have to sweep?"  "Do I have to take the trash out?" and so on.  One day Ben's job included changing Cheyanne.  When he got up to do this, he walked slowly and dragged one foot.  "What is wrong with your foot?  Is it hurt?"
    "No, my stomach hurts."  Is something crossed here? Hurts, by the way, only happen for the few minutes an assignment needs doing.
    Chiya is a pure sweetheart but must be reminded constantly that pick-up means to move things from the neat pile she made in the middle of the floor to the place it really belongs.
    Nathan spends so much time trying to get his younger brother to do something so unrelated to Nathan's job that we go crazy.
    We always remind our young Ryan, "Do not swing on the curtain, go to your job."
    "OK, Momma," he says with love and a hug and an I'm sorry.  Then immediately continues with exactly what he was doing.
    Cheyanne will just look at you and say no out right.  She is at the point where we need to get up and walk her through pick-up time.  If only she would go and look for her precious silky instead of crying that it is lost, we all would be happy.
    Chalae has started biting and pulling hair and screaming!    This makes us all jump to see what she is doing.
 With so many other personalities to deal with, Neil and I are outnumbered. This helps in uniting us for personal survival!  I cannot tell until they are grown, but I hope I am raising them to be more like their dad or to want to marry someone like their dad. Neil is so good at cleaning and keeping focused on the daily tasks of family life that I wish Neil's mother was still alive so I could ask her how she did it.
    I hope the various routines we have set up for chores and the constant evaluation that we give the tasks, will give our children the experience to be organized as they raise their own families.  Even if I wanted to I couldn't just wait for Chamrie's stage to be over.  The others would take note and I'd be lost  somewhere in the never-ending jobs.  I simply keep in mind that all my children will grow someday and understand the challenges of being a supervisor in a home.

    I have always been the kind to need morning sleep.  This is very intense and I do not believe it is simply learned behavior.  When I was in school, I had the early morning schedule.  In high school like clockwork, I would simply crash every other Friday.  I could get out of bed until dinner.  It did not matter that I had an early bedtime.  It didn't matter what time I went to bed.  It mattered only that the hours when most of my dream stages seemed to come were the hours I needed to be up for school.
    Going to college really helped.  I could for the first time set my own hours.  Later, when I was married and pregnant I found that I could not get out of bed until hunger drove me out.  Then come the late afternoon or early evening, I couldn't keep my eyes open to save myself.  However, sleep at that point was only a nap and I would get up, sometimes even at 9:00.  I would then stay awake the rest of the night, enjoying peace and productivity.  I don't have insomnia.  I just enjoy my evening energy.
    Toward the end of pregnancy, I would find that I would awaken frequently for a trip to the bathroom and then go right back to sleep.  I have come to expect this as training ground for the night nursings of my babies.  I can be half awake with them all night and do just fine.  However, once the morning arrives, I need the sleep. If I can get just three hours of sleep without the baby needing me, I will be normal and mentally active throughout the day.
    Neil on the other hand can sleep anywhere, anytime and claims to love sleep.  I don't know how he can love it as he is never aware that he is asleep! He will awaken in the morning and declare, "The baby did good last night!"  Yet, my sweet Neil will get up with the baby and let me sleep, finally.
    It isn't important to me what time my children get up in the morning.  They love the unsupervised time.  Things run smoothly now and accidents almost never happen because the children want us to sleep as long as possible.  They know we will oversee their morning jobs when we get up.
    The older children are responsible for the baby and preschooler.  They have different days assigned so that everybody knows exactly who should be watching the young ones and so that the same person isn't always asked to do so.
    We don't allow either television or music in the morning hours.  This includes Saturday cartoons.  We have never wanted that American habit to rule our Saturdays.
    We have noticed that when the children are ready for us to get up and get their day started, the noise level reaches high volume rather rapidly.  Of course when we only had small children then either Neil or I would get up and let the other sleep.  Really, that still happens most of the time as one of us will feel energetic and need to accomplish things in the morning hours while the children play, yet it is nice to know that we can sleep just a bit longer and not worry about a young one's needs going unmet.
    Bedtime is a different matter as here we are more time oriented.  We have specific bedtimes for children under the age of eight, another time for those under the age of 12 and no real bedtime but a bedroom time for those over age 12.  The bedroom time happens when we ask them to go rather than a set clock time.
    Once my young children have been fed, I am perfectly comfortable with putting them to bed at any hour if they start arguing as that tells me they must be tired.  Whichever child has kitchen duty needs to stay up to get the job finished.      Sometimes the ones with the kitchen job will get to stay up later with us if they had stayed focused on their job and didn't run late because of procrastination.
    Bedtimes don't change because of the arrival of summer.  They go to bed by the clock not the sun unless Neil or I let them stay up.  Clearly it is our job to keep or drop whatever schedule we establish.  Usually we are strict about bedtime because we have seen adults who have been overly exhausted and frustrated because of having children control their own bedroom hours.  We knew we were preparing for a large family and again we chose those rules and routines that would see us through several decades of children.
    Bedroom time is much like bedtime only more geared for the older child and teen.   Sometimes they read or are quietly awake but they are away from us and our having to parent them.  Often we have the teens stay up with us and yet we are glad to be able to send them away when needed.
    When my children were ages fourteen, twelve, ten, eight and six, they told me the following when asked about bedtime:
    Chani was at a slumber party but she wants to go to bed between 9:00-9:30 on Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday because she gets up at 5:30 to have some quiet time before she leaves for an early morning seminary class.  Chani and Chamrie both want extra time when we have special nights that the younger ones stay up, as if we owe them but Neil and I don't buy that argument.  Chani gets headaches if she doesn't get enough sleep.
    Ben: "I think that bedtime should be at 12:30 every night for everybody."
    Chamrie: "I wish it would be at least 10:00 because everybody in my class at church has a 10:00 bedtime and they say that my parents baby me and they have to get up earlier then me and I have to go to bed earlier then they do...."
    Chiya: "Sometimes I like it sometimes I don't.  I think we should have it about 9:30 every night."
 Nathan: "I think I should stay up longer.  Because I'm six. and because when I was five I had to have the same time and now I should have it until the older guys go to sleep."
    Ryan would say he should stay up until he falls asleep.

A few years later: Once my older children began to outnumber my younger children bedtime quickly dissolved into a very relaxed system.  I've never been really sure why this happened.  Did we simply get older and less willing to endure the bedtime struggle?  Or did we get older and more relaxed with the flow of family life with children?  Did it change because there were more older children up to help with younger children?  Or did it change because we were saddened to put the younger ones to bed when the older ones were having so much fun with them?  Family life is a constant mix of stability and change and always an adventure.

    We would date weekly with Jay and Yvonne, our friends who have nine children.  It is so refreshing to double date with another couple!  We talk and find that much of the childrearing challenges are universal.   This is especially true when the children's creative or destructive nature kicks in.
    One Monday I found my six-year-old with a hammer and screwdriver actually chipping off part of my kitchen floor.
    That same day Yvonne came in to find her 4-year-old carving out chunks of her fairly new kitchen drawers.  Her son told her, "Daniel did it."  Daniel was his two-year-old brother who was nowhere in the vicinity.
    How about writing on the walls?  When they are young, they scribble on the wall and you think they'll never grow out of it.  Then they get older.
    They start learning to draw pictures and it is back to the wall.  Then they grow older.  They learn their letters and the wall gets attacked again.  They grow and can write their names.  You know this because the wall can now spell.
    They get older again, and smarter and the wall now has a sibling's name on instead.
    I am waiting for them to get older, lose all sense of reason and write the name of their current romance next.  At any given moment there is a handful of children at these various levels of creative destruction within a large family.  Just look at the walls!
    Nathan brought with him something that no other child had.  He seemed to come with an interest in bugs.  He made them his pets.  Roly-poly bugs, butterflies and even spiders came under scrutiny.
    Nathan came into the house one day and showed me his latest pets...snails!  "That's nice. Take them outside."  I continued with the current baby and didn't think any more about it.  I walked into the family room to find the bucket on the carpet.  Nathan was gone and the snails were crawling all over the place!
    One spring I was at Neil's office when Chani called, "Mom, Ryan (then three) brought a bucket of snails into the school room and they are all over the floor..."
    "Chani, just pick them up and put them outside."
    "Mom."  Chani was talking in almost a whisper.
    "What?"
    "Cheyenne found them."  A long pause," ...She ate one."  I could have lived my whole life without knowing that!
 When Chani was a little baby, she slept  in a crib with her head resting at the end of the crib toward the middle of the wall.  She started waking up screaming in the middle of the night.  This went on for several nights.  She would have little round marks on her cheek, one per night.    Finally we looked up into the far corner of the ceiling above the crib but at the opposite end of her face.  We saw a little spider up there.  Neil and I looked at it for a long time discussing if it was possible for that little thing to travel all the way over to our Chani and bite her cheek.  We shrugged our shoulders and killed that tiny spider.  She never woke up again and had no more marks.
    I don't care for spiders but can tolerate them. I can't stand those black, outdoor, let-me-come-in-to-snoop roaches.  In all sincerity, they chase me.  This is no exaggeration!  Those awful bugs can run anywhere in 360 degrees and they will always head straight for me and at full speed.
    Once when Chani was a new baby Neil heard me screaming in the bathroom.  He came running only to find me standing on the toilet with three roaches circling the stool like Indians around a wagon train.  He laughed at me.  To this day, he laughs whenever the subject comes up.   When we lived in Kansas City, we had a time when we were infested with those terrible house roaches.  I called the landlord repeatedly to come and take care of the problem.  We lived in a duplex so he would have to do both sides at once.  He kept putting off the task and things were getting worse.
    In Kansas City in the summer these bugs mature and multiply at an alarming rate.  We knew they lived in the kitchen.  We were constantly cleaning and checking everything trying to get rid of them, but to no avail.
    One day I heard Neil pounding something outside on the porch.  I started to go out to see what he was up to.  He stopped me and warned me that I didn't want to see what was happening.  It turned out that those disgusting bugs were living and breeding inside the slots of my knife block.  Neil had finally discovered this unthinkable hiding place and was hitting the block against the porch.  He said that they were leaving by the droves.  I can never use such a tool again.
    Finally in a pretty angry letter, we told the landlord that either he come over that week and get the job done or we would hire a professional, the most expensive we could find, and then send him the bill.  He came within three days and for the next one-and-a-half years we never saw a single pest.
    I was raised with lots of pets.  Neil was raised with lots of farm animals.  He is a victim of animal burnout.  He had to help kill the rabbits for food.  He would have to get up before his early morning seminary to milk the cow and then be tied to the clock to milk in the evening as well.
    So when we got married he wanted and I agreed to not have any pets.  We both wanted as many children as we could get here but no animals.  It was an easy arrangement for many years.  I find that I really appreciate a home without animal hair to clean.  I like that my youngsters can play outside without worrying about dog droppings.
    Over the past few years though I realize that I want my children to have a few pets as much as they want it.  One day I told Neil that after I wean our last baby I am getting a silver blue Persian kitten.
    I had one  miscarriage just before getting pregnant with Cheyanne.  Afterwards I had these really sad dreams where I was looking at all these kittens.  I was looking for my kitten.  I wasn't upset about the other kittens only that they weren't the one I had lost.  It is a good thing I conceived Cheyanne right away or the grief of that miscarriage would have brought a little silver blue Persian into our house right then.
    When we lived in San Diego, we joked a lot about the neighbor's cats.  They must be the neighbor's cats because we don't have any.  Of course they were always around and we had even taken to feeding them.  We told Neil that it is the neighbor's cat food because they were the neighbor's cats.  Before we moved to Utah we had to find another "neighbor" to watch one of the "neighbor's cats," so we found my mother to do the job.
    It was a heartbreaking thing for Chamrie.  This solidified even more the feeling that when we move to the mountains we will have pets.  My children look forward to that time.  We are hearing requests for everything from horses to chickens, from dogs to snakes.  It is clear that we will have to be careful what we allow or they will overrun us.
    I really like cats but only tolerate dogs with difficulty.  We had all kinds of animals when I was growing up.  One dog we had was the craziest thing.  We have pictures of her trying to get the baby ducks to nurse as they climbed all over her instead.  She was a small poodle.
    We also had a bird dog that was a great deal larger than that poodle.  The big dog had puppies in a big doghouse on our patio.  The poodle thought she should be the mother.  She would run out to the fence at the side of the house and set up a loud and boisterous barking.  The mother dog would come out of the doghouse and run to the fence to see what was going on.  Meanwhile, the poodle would circle and sneak into the dog house to try and nurse all those puppies that were almost as big as she was.  The funniest part was the pecking order.  Not even an encroachment upon her mothering would entice that big dog to disobey the little poodle.  She would just sulk around until one of us got the poodle away from the puppies!
    When we first married, I had a Persian cat who adored me and hated Neil.  He would wait until Neil had fallen asleep and then would jump from the dresser onto Neil's stomach and run off.  Neil was quite happy when we moved to a street too busy for my cat and my mother adopted him.

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