Friends have always played an important part in our family life.  From before our marriage, through our years as young parents, through our children's growth and into these years of being older parents, we have opened our homes and lives to wonderful people who have become beloved friends.  Fellowshipping with the saints and friendshipping with those not in the church is an integral part of the Lord's plan for his children.
    I can understand Heavenly Father's desire that his children become and then stay close to each other.  As my children grow their individual talents, interests and personalities blossom even more beautiful each day.  There is a wide gap not only in ages but in individuality among them.  I desire that they love one another.  I hope that they enjoy each other's company after they leave this home.  I pray that they continue to feel and be united as they settle into their primary responsibilities of their future eternal family.
    Since friends and fellowshipping has always been a part of our life I cannot say that the emphasis arrived with Chalae.  What did arrive with her were changes in our lives that brought longing for the comfort of old friends and a joy found in new friends.
    When Neil and I first married, our friends were those we had cherished as Young Adults.  That is such a powerful time of life and those we befriended there are among our dearest life long compatriots.  As a group, we were so full of testimony, of commitment and of the world opening fresh before us.  We shared the common goal of finding an eternal companion and figuring out the directions of our lives.
    There were some we knew then about whom we would quietly whisper, "If they do not make it back it would be a shock indeed."  What is it that makes a person shine with incredible potential?  What kind of spirit does it take to instill that level of confidence among their peers?
    Without fail they all had a testimony of the Lord and his gospel.  They were willing to serve him.  They were generous in their concern and involvement in the lives of his children.  They were willing to live stricter than the world and remain humble in their attitudes.  They enjoyed life.  The men had served missions and remembered their covenants.  The women were both kind to those who sought their company and yet particular about whom they dated.  Temple marriage was the focus and the accomplishment.
    It has been a few decades since we started pairing off and entering a different level of family friendships.  We have lost contact with some.  They exist somewhere in this world and we look forward to renewing the ties once forged.  Others have remained constant friends.  We have watched their families grow.  We have smiled at the callings that have arrived at their doorsteps.  We have prayed for them when struggles have arisen.  We find that in the quiet, we still whisper to each other, "They will make it.  We are sure."
    These people set a standard of friendship that has been kept alive through the years by additional friends of that same quality.  Dear friends who are committed to the Lord and to each other.  Their names have been added to our golden book of eternal friendships.
    The temptation to record the names of these golden friends here is great.  I would let them know of our respect and confidence in them.  I would tell the world of the depth of our feelings for their love and friendships.  I would awaken the memory of an era that effected all of our futures.  I would encourage my children to allow such an era into their own lives.  I would share with all the memories of our companionships as various personalities have come into our lives.  Instead, I'll keep their names reserved for those moments of quiet whisperings between us as we recall times and people that have become sacred to our hearts.

    After the marriage, social contacts become a blur for several months.  There are so many things to learn about being companions and all energy is focused upon change and communication.  This is a time where the seeds of united friendships can take a slow sprout.  It can also be the time for the loneliness of isolation to become the social habit.  We want to focus upon our new companion and yet ahead of us lies either years camaraderie with others or the forbidding, bolted doors of social solitude.
    The Lord has given us the help we need to walk along the road of friendship during this companion focus era.  First we are taught the sacred order of priority.  We place the Lord first, followed by our companion and then our children.  Following that comes a balanced blend of church, work, friends, play and education.
    If the Lord comes first and his church comes after children in the order of things, what is the difference between the two?  How do we know where and when to draw the lines between them?  Certainly there must be space between the Lord and his church if companion and children are to fit in, correct?
    One of the great joys of the temple marriage that is not found in any other Christ-based marriage is that a person needs never feel torn between love for God and love of companion.  We are commanded to be one in the Lord.  Not one looking toward a day when we shall be separated again and just friends in his presence but a oneness that will extend into eternity and shall never be severed by command of that very Lord whom we love.
    This is the goal then, to be one with God and then through him be one with each other.  We then, in combination with the Christ, raise our family.  From that understanding, the difference in the Lord being a priority and his church being a slightly lower priority is simplified.
    We have made covenants which in keeping will bring us as a unified family back into Heavenly Father's presence through the power of Jesus Christ.  Those covenants must be the priority, subject to constant supervision, strengthening, evaluation and repentance.  Where there is a conflict between family and church it is time to determine if the conflict concerns activities and actions that can be missed without breaking covenants.
    For most families, these conflicts will be rare throughout their journey.  We know that keeping the Sabbath Day holy is a commandment and a part of the covenant that we make.  That means we attend our Sunday church meetings.  We know from our leaders that if a man is too overloaded in responsibilities to be a Home Teacher, he should be released so that he can perform that sacred calling.  We have seen good leaders released from callings because of a need to be home and with their children more than they had been able with the other tasks.

    Concerning the building of friendships during the intense companion focus days the Lord has thus given the means for the planting of that friendship path.  Amid all the attention upon ourselves we attend Sacrament, Relief Society and Priesthood meetings,  we Home Teach and we Visit Teach.  We fulfill callings as we are able.  These things give us the opportunity in small doses to enjoy the company of others.
    When we first married, we took an unusual approach to Home and Visit Teaching.  We brought the people we were assigned into our homes, with us on dates, and as couples became friends.  Our teaching companions were also among our first friends.  We did things as couples together.  Neil and I kept the counsel to date each week but we found that we preferred to do so with other couples rather than just the two of us alone.  On our invite list, the first called were often those whom we taught.
    Building friendships through church callings and dating was easy when we were without children.  It was easy when we had only one baby.  It became more difficult as we started to have more little ones.  The Lord provides another source to continue in the fellowship of his children.  He gave us not only the Primary for our children but he gave us a circle of the parents of Primary children to befriend.
    By that time the pattern of establishing family friends was well grounded in our life.  We began to add to those we taught certain families who had children of the same ages as ours.  We found it easy to visit them and have the children play together.  We could trade child watching as needed.  We were going through the same frustrations and joys of caring for these little ones.  We could laugh together, commiserate together and exchange a wealth of ideas.
    When Neil was called to be Elder's Quorum President friendships were formed quicker for him than for me.  This time his Home Teaching responsibilities were more than we could include in a weekly date.  He gained an intimacy with the families of the ward far quicker than I did.

    By the time we returned to San Diego from Kansas City we had three young children.  Neil was now a working professional meeting with several people every day.  We continued building friendships as before but it was time to add in a new level of friendships.
    It was in this busy time that we always found ourselves saying to cherished longtime friends, "We should get together one of these days."  One of these days rarely happened because we were now in the parenting era of limited time away from children.  We found ourselves wanting to build friendships with our new acquaintances but what little time we did have was usually spent comfortably with the friends we already knew.  It was time to learn how to integrate old friends with the constant stream of new acquaintances and to do it without sacrificing our time with our children.
    It was during this time that our monthly parties began.  As I mentioned in the first chapter, we had a set time each month where our home was opened to all who wanted a fun evening.  This became the perfect tool for combining the comfort of old friends with the fascination of new friends.
    From there grew a smaller circle of dear friends who found time every week or several times a year to join us on our weekly dates.  This arrangement brought a depth to our relationships that the frantic fun of a busy party lacked.  Throughout these friendship developments, Neil and I grew in a companionship with each other that included laughter, experience and insight which would have been difficult to obtain if we had not extended beyond our twosome.
    Years of sharing the same friendships with other couples has built a solid foundation between us.  We talk about the people we are meeting, enjoying second hand the interaction of the spouse we know so well.  When we meet each others friends it is no surprise that we like them as much as our companion does.  We have developed as a unit not only privately but socially as well.

    We now have teens.  We have found that they and their friends are joining in on our parties.  We have found an increased delight in the friendly companionship of our older children.  It is a different feel than the delight of interacting with the younger ones.  There are quiet glances that speak volumes.  There are smiles between us brought on by subtle humor.  There are conversations that show a growth toward our future relationship with them as adults.
    This change became quite obvious to me one weekend.  Neil went on a father and sons camp-out with our three boys.  I was home with the five girls.  Three of these girls are now older and don't require constant parental vigilance and in fact are completely helpful in the care of the younger children.  Rather than feel a loneliness at Neil's absence and a need to be refreshed from the daily task of mothering, I felt a tender enjoyment of having the time just with my girls.  We have done this before and it has been fun but it has also been work.  This time it was companionable without being exhaustive.  I am truly beginning to see a lifetime friendship with my soon-to-be-adult children that will be even greater than I had ever suspected it could be.  When they were young it was important to be 90% parent and 10% friend. By the time they leave our home we need to be 90% friends and only 10% parent. The shift really isn't a steady gradual change. It is a change that booms forth in the teen years and we need to make the adjustments before time sweeps past us.
    Along with this blossoming friendship with my older children is the bright realization that in raising our children we are really raising our eternal peers.  Just as we enjoy lasting mortal friendships with others who have common interests and experiences, in the eternities it is our very children who, as resurrected adults, will have experiences in common with us.  We sadly say, "They grow so fast," and, "They are small for such a short time!"  We need to refocus and recognize that as they grow they become our friends forever.

    Of course through all of the developments of our adult friendships our children also developed friends.  They found friends among the children of our friends.  They found friends among their Primary classmates.  They found friends among their siblings' friends.  In San Diego they found a few friends in the neighborhood and in Utah they found several.  They found friends through home schooling contacts.  Foremost, they became friends with each other.
    My children are all being raised the same.  They have the same parents and the same teachers.  They attend the same church and its programs.  They know the same people.  Their social personalities are as different as any eight adults you might find in any group.
    Chani likes groups, but of the people in a group she especially likes the quiet ones.  She is amused by the active people and can catch their energy if it feels appropriate.  She is softly outgoing and independent.  Chani takes things in stride and can intellectually deal with any hurt that comes from social contact.
    Ben easily goes along with everyone.  He can be painfully shy but consistently overcomes it to do the things he knows must be done.  He can be noisy and active in play but never aggressive.  It doesn't take him long to be comfortable with somebody.  He enjoys company of all ages.  Taking the first steps in a friendship is difficult for him.  In a group he can lead or follow and prefers a balance between the two.  He has a quiet sense of humor.  He is more likely to just knowingly smile than to explain his thinking.  Ben never seems to take offense in dealing with other people.
    Chamrie is an active leader.  She loves the social life ( the more the better!), but her heart gets hurt easily.  Chamrie is especially drawn to those who are uniquely different.  She is touched and protective of those who are misunderstood.  She loves to talk and to be a motivating factor of any group.  She likes a balanced sharing in conversations.  Her sense of humor is active and obvious.  She is firm in knowing right from wrong and in making a stand for right even if her friends choose otherwise.  She can do so and still maintain her friendships.
    Chiya is quiet and enjoys time to herself.  She is happy with a few very close friends.  She enjoys a group experience when it is one that is not full of conflict.  She can become irritated when the play turns away from the direction she wants to go.  Taking the initiative to meet people is difficult for her as is inviting friends over to play.  Once the contact has been made, she plays easily.  As much as she enjoys groups, she often prefers the quieter contact with fewer people.  Chiya also needs time alone, to relax and pursue whatever interests her.
    Nathan likes to play with one friend at a time.  He enjoys group activities but can be found paired up with somebody in the group.  He is active in participation.  He is painfully shy at times but overcomes it because he prefers the play to the shyness.  His sense of humor is physical and sometimes borders on the silly.  While his humor is physical, his play is not.  He doesn't like aggression in his companions.  He forgives easily and gets back into the swing of things.
    Ryan is extremely talkative and very physical in his play.  He does whatever the group does and enjoys the experience.  He likes to have as many friends around as there are available.  In a group he is on the run.  If he finds himself alone he bores easily.  Time out and restriction is the most effective discipline for him because of his love for playmates.  Ryan does things on impulse and quickly repents.  He plans on obeying but he often acts before being aware that he is not doing as he planned.
    Cheyanne is quiet, peaceful and bossy all at once.  She plays easily with friends.  Like Chiya she needs some time to herself or quietly cuddling with a family member.  In a group she can be found in her own imagination playing with her dolls or with one other person playing quietly.  She is not as interested in many friends as she is in one or two at a time.
    Chalae at age 17 months is incredibly social.  She is verbal and likes things to go exactly her way.  She orders her older sister around and attempts to force her compliance.
    Through the gospel we know that we lived in a family before birth into mortality.  Our identity did not just spring forth from conception.  We arrive to this life with personality.  That spirit within us can be brought out in all its beauty or it can be subdued out of self protection.
    Many people worry about how home schooling will affect a child's social skills.  I believe that home schooling is more likely to enhance a child's unique and true personality than any system of forced sociality.  Social skills such as kindness and polite responses can be taught and graded, but in a home they are experienced to their fullest.  Accepting other cultures and individuals can be attempted through forced exposure, but it is in a home that a child really learns to love and enjoy other people.  When it comes to developing social skills leading to a healthy adult, the child must develop the secure knowledge that his spirit is treasured.  That true security is what allows the adult to be a friend and thus to have friends.  That security comes best when the children have the maximum number of active hours spent in the love and attention of their family.

    There are so many worthwhile activities available to children these days.  A mother can fill her child's life from morning to bedtime with things to do away from home.  These are good things.  They develop the mind and the body.  They give social opportunities and are the current measure of success.  They also take time away from the family.
    When there are only a couple of children, this drain on family contact might not seem overwhelming.  When there are several children, it can bury a mother and isolate each child from the others in the family.  We have been counseled to wisely and prayerfully choose which of the many good activities our children will participate in.  Even good experience can have negative results if they overwhelm the family.
    We decided from the beginning to not involve our children in adult organized sports programs until they became teens.  At that time there are various church sports that we require that they attend.  They may go just to fellowship and cheer or they go and play but we want them to learn the importance of supporting the programs the Lord and his leaders have established for their benefit.
    Chani attends and grumbles from time to time.  Ben attends and enjoys some sports and dislikes others.  Chamrie thrives on the physical activities and social unity that are present in sports.  We try to watch their games.  It is not always possible and then we listen to a play by play repeated several times.  Actually, we listen to that recanting even if we do see the game!
    We consider their involvement in church programs such as YMYW, Scouting, Achievement Days for the young girls, and Seminary to be part of their schooling.  This relieves the competition for their time between a public system of homework and the more spiritually building events of the church.  When we discipline, we do not restrict their church activities.  We insist that attendance in these weekly events have priority over other desired activities.
    Scouts and Cub Scouts has been particularly important for our boys' development.  We have used the goals of their scouting as a basis for teaching topics with all our children.  It gives them something physical to accomplish that step by step builds a responsible individual.  We participate with them.  If a parent doesn't take an active role in their child's scouting then it is nearly impossible for him to accomplish all the goals.
    Seminary is wonderful for the youth.  Chani knows the gospel very well.  It would be easy to reason that she can do as well learning at home as in the Seminary classroom.  We have instead taken to heart that it is the Lord's program and her knowledge will be enhanced and shared by her attending.
    Church also gives the children opportunities to perform before groups.  They start giving prayers and talks in Primary.  When they become teens they are assigned short talks in Sacrament.  Our girls have been interested  in singing in the choir and practice with that group every Sunday.  These things take preparation at home during the week.
    One Primary project was to put on a live Nativity Scene for a Christmas Dinner.   Chiya was asked to portray Mary.  She also was asked to come up with her own costume.  I didn't even think about helping her because the children dress up all of the time.  I concentrated on the other tasks and let her sisters help her with the simply costume.  Chani was specifically assigned to assist Chiya.
    Chiya did come downstairs with a dress on and asked if it would be good for Mary.  Yes, it looked real nice.  That was the last I knew until the curtains opened on the stage and there was Mary.  She was so lovely, kneeling with little baby Jesus.  She was also wearing a cloth with large white and blue checkers on her head for the headpiece.  Neil whispered, "Mary is wearing a table cloth."
    The Lord has wisely given an opportunity for the children and especially for the youth to fellowship on a weekly basis.  We fill in with other activities from time to time as directed by the Spirit or provided by opportunity.  The emphasis is fellowshipping with the saints, developing the individual and strengthening the family simultaneously.

    We have always opened our homes to those who have needed a place to sleep.  We have easily set extra places at our table.  We have welcomed any present to join us in family prayers and scripture study.  We have shared our Family Time activities.
    These things have not developed as missionary efforts even though it has led to a few of those.  They did not happen as a means of helping other members gain a testimony although that has happened.  They happened for two reasons.
    The first was that in Neil's childhood family their door was always open.  People were always welcomed and enjoyed.  There were so many to feed that additional company simply blended in.  People felt comfortable in that Logan home.  Neil enjoyed his homelife and sharing what he had was a natural outcome of that childhood upbringing.
    The second was that I wanted my home to have the same feel as my in-laws home.  I saw a place full of activity and laughter.  Their home was a place where people were comfortable stopping in unexpectedly.  In the presence of company Neil's mother was relaxed and cheerful.  Everything was done with a casual home-style rather than the elegance that planning requires.  I wanted that same feel to my home.
    I found that I was stressed when I had to plan a dinner party.  I found that I enjoyed the evening when the dinner was potluck and casual in nature.  That same enjoyment always spilled over when there were drop-ins and I didn't have to worry ahead of time.
    We would continue with our family patterns even when there was company.  If we were having scripture study, we invited the company to join in.  If we were having Family Home Evening, then we assigned them a part to add to the evening.
    We have had many people live with us.  Some have lived with us only a few weeks and others have stayed a few years.  When a person moves in with us, we work out jobs for which they are responsible.  We tell them our family rules and we invite them to join us in whatever activities we have planned.
    It is a mixture of a joy and a struggle to have more than one family living in a home.  If the house is large enough the stress is minimal.  The biggest struggle is in all understanding that each parent is responsible for their children but the rules and routines are established by the primary family.  There has to be a leader in organization and authority even an arrangement between friends.  This makes multiple family living a perfect training ground for long-suffering and patience.
    The joys are found in the companionship and ideas that can easily be exchanged between friends.  It is a great relief to a mother with only small children to have that extra adult hand present to help with the mini crisis of daily life.  The children usually enjoy the presence of their friends from morning to night.
    After awhile the friendship has disagreements just as if they were siblings.  If discipline is left to only one of the parental sets or if it is set up so that a parent can correct only their own children there will be some serious problems before long.  Most of the time, you can discuss the problem with the other adults and come up with a solution but there are also times when action needs to be immediate and can't wait for a council.
    My children agree that the hardest part of live-in company is when the other mother tells them what to do.  It is very difficult for a child to accept another woman's authority in their home.  They were also aware of an inconsistency between how the visiting mother treated her children compared to the way she treated them.  They were angry when the techniques of parenting that they were used to were not followed in connection to the other children.
    They remember once having allowances and the other children getting more money and teasing because of their wealth.  That is the type of child-centered problem that needs to be handled carefully to keep the Spirit in the home.
    They also remember that home schooling with another family that lived with us was delightful.  They remember that the household chores seemed to get done faster.  They remember the outings I was more willing to do because there was another adult to help in supervising.  These are the types of joys that make opening your home a blessing.
    As Chani says, it teaches you to be able to live with different people and for the most part it is fun.

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