Feelings of Isolation

Marshall was born so unexpectedly that there wasn't a shower for him.  After his birth nobody knew what to do for us because he was so sick.  After he died two months later one of Neil's friends, a mother of three young children, gave me a gift.  She was so hesitant, concerned that it might hurt or offend me.  Instead I was so deeply touched that somebody was willing to recognize the short life of my tiny son.  It was a silver necklace with a baby's bootie charm on it.  She had Marshall's name and his birth date engraved on the sole of the bootie.  It was the only gift I received.  I still cherish it dearly.   I learned from this that I also needed to overcome fear in order to serve others in emotionally difficult situations.

After Marshall was born and died I felt very isolated at church.  In Relief Society I felt as if I did not fit in with the women who had children, with the women who had never had children or with the women who had children and then had them die after raising them for a while.  I knew the feelings were only inside me because although we were in a different ward by then from Neil's parents both our ward and his parents' were filled with the kindest and most loving people.

It was such a struggle trying to find where I felt I fit.  It did not happen overnight.  In some ways I didn't feel completely comfortable until Chani was born.  I did learn that no matter what the personal struggle, the greatest challenge is to be aware that my mental perception could easily be totally different from what others were aware of.  I knew that no matter how uncomfortable I felt within myself, the place for me was in the Lord's kingdom.

Neil and I wanted our children to have a deep testimony of the eternal nature of our family.  With that goal ever in mind we decided that our attitude concerning Marshall in everyday life should reflect that truth.  We always include him when we number our children.  I would say, "I have nine children."  If asked further I would say that I had eight still living.

This sometimes makes others uncomfortable.  I wish that it didn't but I do feel that it is far more important that my children hear with confidence and ease that their brother is still a part or our family.  One thing is certain, we all will face the deaths of those we love.  Neil and I have a great responsibility to prepare our children for those events.  They need to know that death does not change the love and relationships.

There are several ways we formally teach this principle of our eternal family.  We spend the entire month of January in Family Home Evening teaching the Plan of Salvation.

The first week we draw a diagram of the plan.  We talk about the preexistence and of family members now living there.  We include discussion of the children of our children as well as unborn brothers and sisters.

We talk about passing through the veil and living on earth.  We name and draw all of our family members who live here.  We will talk about aunts, uncles, cousins and how they live in different places.  Some of them we never see.

We talk about the spirit world and those living there.  There are several members of our family besides Marshall who have died.  We discuss missionary work on that side of the veil.  We then talk about the resurrection and how we will all then live together.  We imagine how things might be.

Another week  we will review the plan and then have the children draw pictures of the Celestial Kingdom.

We have one evening where all the children are sitting out of the room.  They can see in but not be there.  Neil and I sit on the couch and he proposes marriage to me.  We kiss and shyly smile.  Then we say that Heavenly Father sent a baby son to us. We use a doll to represent Marshall.  We tell about his birth and then we tell how his body was very sick and he died. It is important with children to be clear that the body died and then Heavenly Father took the spirit home.  Never do we leave a child with the impression that Heavenly Father took the loved one away.  We then lovingly lay the baby in another part of the room, the spirit world.  We then are back on the couch and lo and behold we were sent another child.  And then Chani comes into the room.  How funny and touching to have this young teenager trying to climb into our laps and be cuddled!  We talk about her birth, how we felt and then, what a blessing, along came Ben.  We go through all the children this way.  It is a wonderful evening.

Another week we might role play all of the children being in the spirit world and being brought forth for resurrection.  Or we have them pretend to be spirits being taught the gospel.  We even hide their names and those on this side of the veil have to search for the name so the individual can be taught.

Finally, we have a birthday party for Marshall.  We serve ice cream and cake and sing Happy Birthday to him.  Then Marshall gives gifts to each child or if finances are tight then he gives one gift to the family.  We try to keep the gifts to either a comforting item such as a blanket or warm pajamas or we have a game or a good movie that all of the family can enjoy together.

Whenever we speak of death, we also speak of the resurrection.  We never say that God wanted or needed Marshall and so he died.  Instead, we make it clear that his body quit working,  died and then Marshall went back to Heavenly Father and began his mission.

There are many ways to talk and teach about this matter.  With inspiration each can find the best way to prepare our little ones by blessing them with a testimony of life being more than the right now.  One friend lets balloons go on the anniversary of her baby's death.  Another friend writes a letter each year to herself and her family as if it came from her son.  For both families, deeply moving traditions have been built out of grief.

The celebration of Marshall's birthday led us to another tradition.  When a new baby arrives, we celebrate that birthday.  We again serve ice cream and cake, sing Happy Birthday to our new baby and the baby gives a gift to each child.  My children look forward to this event.  What child wouldn't want another birthday gift?

I was told by the doctors that it was very possible that all of my children would be early and maybe none of them would survive.  Neil and I discussed this matter.  We both realized that we would rather continue to have our children even if it meant sending them back to Heavenly Father and raising them later than to not have them at all.

As a result I would find myself in bed or on the couch for nearly five months with each pregnancy.  Neil would have to take over all of the tasks that I normally would be doing.  It is a great sacrifice both physically and emotionally.  I never could have done it with a man less committed to having our family.  Not once in all these years did Neil ever cause me to feel that he blamed me for my body's weakness.  Not once did he ever imply that I was not doing my part when it was all that I could do to keep the baby inside a day longer.

We have had another premature son and he lived.  All of the other children made it to full term.  We are very aware that our commitment and actions were deepened because of the very real possibility of our baby not living.   I never wanted to be in a position of not having the experience or the courage to stand up and insist that the inspired thing be done.  I had known that my son was coming.  I knew his head was engaged, I knew the plug had been passed, I knew that labor had started, and I knew that I had no pain and needed and wanted no drugs.  In these things I allowed a professional opinion, an incorrect opinion, to override the whisperings of the Spirit.  I never want to repeat that error.

Marshall's young life was a pivotal point in our family's growth and mission.  Our experience with Marshall started us on a journey of helping others with health, pregnancies, births, nursing and grief.  It started Neil on a path that led to his being a chiropractor and helping countless individuals. We decided to have as many of our babies at home as possible.  I believe that by choosing a highly qualified midwife with qualified medical backup I would give myself an automatic second opinion.  I decided to become a childbirth educator.  I took an intensive home study course and taught for several years.  I learned emergency childbirth skills and assisted another doctor several times for experience.  These skills are not for daily use, but should there ever be an earthquake, or some other emergency, I would know what to do.

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