Unheld Babies
Hopefully Waiting
by Cherie Logan

This is a sensitive topic and one that is highly personal.  There are strong emotions tied in with having children, how many, how do we space them, are we in agreement with companions, what does the Lord want.  Of all the questions in life, besides making and keeping personal covenants, this may be the most important of all.  Following that question would be, how do we raise and teach these very children.

Because of its importance, I feel that the question of childbearing is one for inspiration.  If we seek, receive and follow inspiration on this matter we will have peace over the decisions we make.  The hope is that there is unity between the Lord, the husband, and the wife.  I believe an unborn baby has an interest in who his parents are and yet is only sometimes permitted to make his wishes known.

The questions that effect the unheld baby center around spacing children, and being finished with adding more children.  A serious question for the mother that follows those answers is, "What do we do once we are finished."  I will attempt to answer those questions from my very personal perspective.  Always, my first and overriding feeling is that each couple must seek the Lord in this matter.

It is always wonderful to have personal sentiments supported by our beloved authorities.  In the 1988 handbook of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for bishoprics and stake presidencies is found this quote:

"The decision as to how many children to have and when to have them is extremely intimate and private and should be left between the couple and the Lord.  Church members should not judge one another in this matter.''

I was once asked about the Church's change in counseling about child planning.  When we first married, there were many things said about not limiting family size based upon wealth, schooling, and things besides a mother's health and a couple's inspiration.  Now, there is almost nothing said about child planning.  What follows are my thoughts on this matter.  I do not represent the church in any way except as an active member.  I believe the policy change in this matter is a good one.  I feel that there are certain principles that support this change.

1.  The doctrine remains the same.  The doctrines involved in matters of childbearing and church counsel would be:

    a.  Agency - which is given to us to obey the Holy Ghost or not.

    b.  Accountability - we are accountable to that which the Holy Ghost reveals.

    c.  Eternal Families - the Lord intends families to be eternal.  That means without beginning and without end.

When you married in the temple you were stood before a mirror and told that represents the union.  It was without beginning as well as without end.  In other words, at the moment of the temple marriage, which is called a sealing because it seals that which is, the break in eternity was mended.  No matter what had happened before, the link between man and woman now extends eternally.  This takes contemplation and meditation.  Does that mean that if you marry the wrong person it is invalid?  Certainly not.  Whomever you have that eternal sealing with is the person the covenant makes your companion, forever.  Certainly it can be changed through serious actions which break the covenants, but that is another discussion.  We all existed together before this life.  There were people we get along great with and the rest of our siblings.  Hopefully, we choose to marry one of our "get along great with" companions.  Either way, the union the Lord makes eternal if we are faithful should never be taken lightly.

Children, are sealed to their parents when the temple marriage occurs.  That means that their connection with us is without beginning and without end.  This leads to a fascinating discussion of the promise being made to the individual.  God will stand by that promise even if we have to insist on bringing a lost child back into the Celestial Kingdom.

If a sealed couple has unborn children conditionally sealed to them and they choose to not have them, I believe there must be some accountability at some time.  The Lord is very big on accountability attending agency.  I believe that if a sealed couple limits children without seeking divine direction, or ignores that direction once given, then there is accountability for the action.  Not that they must have lots of children, that is not what I am saying, only that they seek and follow the Spirit or be accountable.

The scriptures connect the having and raising of children with Joy, therefore, the consequence of ignoring the Lord in bearing children would be a decrease of joy to one degree or another.  Joy is an emotion with eternal value and can be hoped for amid grief, struggle, and pain.

This brings us back to Accountability, the second principle in the doctrine under discussion.  The Church will not answer to God for our decision in childbearing.  That accountability is to the individual couple.  The church is accountable to present true doctrine and specific counsel which supports true doctrine.

The doctrine of the eternal nature of the family is always present.  The direction to welcome children into our homes, to keep our priorities right, to be willing to put family matters to prayer, are constantly taught and constantly in the scriptures, in conferences, and in classrooms manuals.

The application which is the obedience to the doctrine, remain the responsibility of the individual.  It is the individual who will account to the Lord.  We are repeatedly taught to study and pray.  Sadly, we often pray about simple things while ignoring the things vital to our eternal family.

The only clarifying change that I have heard in general conference concerning childbearing had to do with abortion.  It used to be said that aborting for incest, rape and the health of the mother was acceptable, but still to be done only after powerful prayer and clear revelation.  In one recent conference, severe deformity of the infant was added to that very limited list.  Other than this one description, I have not heard any other public change in the matter of childbirth.

Familiarity brings acceptance.  Even the people who are leaders can be subtly caught up in the social thought.  We have been inundated with a simple question that has changed the structure of American families.  "Is it wanted?" and the secondary question is, "What are we going to do?"  As a childbirth educator, every couple who came to me with the exception of only a few, were compelled, socially, to tell me that their child was either "wanted" or was "a surprise but wanted."

Where does this come from?  Can you imagine our ancestors making such a declaration as a commonality?  Every time pregnancy is mentioned in movies or television in one way or another, subtly or specifically, the issue of wanted comes up.  It may be as simple as questioning for a minute "what are we going to do?" knowing in context that the rightness of possibly aborting is the consideration.

Familiarity.  We are familiar now that the primary consideration for having children is that they be "wanted" and that is based upon timing and a couple's current perspective.

Current perspective is that if you are overwhelmed with two children certainly that will never change and you will be overwhelmed with eight.  This is not true.  But it is nearly inconceivable to a mother of one or two that life really does get easier with more children.

Current perspective means the financial situation.  It means viewing that fact that you have money or don't have money as the deciding factor.  We have been financial comfortable and suddenly poor and balanced again and so forth.  Wealth and poverty can often be a changing condition.

Current perspective means personal development.  What about school?  What about work?  What about spending time with your companion?  What about weight?  What about...the questions are endless and they tend to yell out, "No baby right now!"

Eternal decisions should not be made based upon current thought.  The things of God are eternal rather than temporal.  Is this concept taught specifically?  Certainly.  Is the concept ever veiled somehow? Yes, you have to recognize what is eternal and then study, pray, obey, and often sacrifice.  For the world in general the veiling of eternal things eases their future judgment.  For the church it compounds it.  We are commanded to do these things.  In every lesson, in every message, in every meeting we are told to study, pray and obey the direction of the Spirit.  There will be no excuse when we stand before the Lord if we disobey this principle concerning a matter of such eternal consequences as childbearing.

This then brings us to Stewardship, the first principle I mentioned.  I personally believe, my own personal feelings, that the matter of childbearing is first and foremost the stewardship of the mother.

The Head of the Home, the father, is responsible to God for the commandments and traditions of the home.  He is the one that will answer to the Lord if by word and/or deed the laws of God are not followed in the home.  If he teaches by word and deed God's laws and individuals in the home choose to not follow then he has still been faithful in his stewardship.  If he has exemplified through both word and deed the doctrines associated with the building of his family then he has been faithful in that stewardship.  Provided that he is in line with the Lord, his wife is left free to fulfill her stewardship to bear, nurture and teach her children.  She is accountable before God for fulfilling her stewardship provided that her husband is supportive of that stewardship.  If he is not, it is on his head.

The Lord expects us to approach these matters in love and unity.  It is not something for competition, for stubbornly declaring, "My decision, my responsibility, not yours!"  We are commanded to be of one mind, one heart with the Spirit, and that certainly means one as an eternal couple.  Still, it is often the mother who feels the tug to have children and I don't believe that that God made a mistake in this arrangement.

The reasons that I believe the bearing of children is the woman's responsibility seem obvious to me.  It is through her that the body is nurtured.  It is her personal sacrifice of nearly everything including possibly her life.  She is the co-creator with God.  Think of her as the type of Christ.  (A "type" is a powerful example.)  He carried the weight of responsibility to bring to pass our eternal lives.  He suffered in the garden to bring about birth of those very lives.  He went through the transition stage of the birth by calling out and desiring that if possible the cup pass from him.  Nevertheless he finished his preparations unto the children of men.

Think of the husband's role in childbearing as a type of Heavenly Father.  Heavenly Father brought together all that was needed for Christ to be born.  He taught him, line upon line.  He could not do the birth of eternal lives for Christ but he could stand by and be supportive.  He sent angels to sustain his son in the moments of transition.  When the final moments came just as the mother must be the one to face the birth, no matter how much her husband would take the pain from his beloved, Christ had the moments of solitude when he felt forsaken as Heavenly Father could not do other than let allow that moment to happen.

In sorrow we bring forth children?  Yes, certainly.  But the warning wasn't because of the pain, or sacrifice, or as retaliation to eating forbidden fruit, but because as the original nurturers of our little ones we can better know Christ.  We understand our husbands more by knowing the Father through them.

I believe that if the husbands will do all their part, the wives would have more children.  On the other hand, we live in a time when the natural affections have been turned.  Many women, through choice or tradition, have their hearts turned from their sacred callings.  Many men want more children only to find that their wives refuse.  Balance and unity seems to be disappearing.

We also have the flip-sided concept that medical doctors know more than God.  Some say that we would not be doing our part if we discounted doctors and just went ahead with procreation.  I feel it is our stewardship to seek all knowledgeable counsel and information then take it in prayer to our Higher Authority and follow that spirit.  Heavenly Father knows what is best and possible for each of us.  He can counsel us more perfectly on this matter than any other individual.  If we act on inspiration we shall never lose the prize.

Not all children intended for the eternal couple will come through birth.  Some will arrive through adoption, some through marriage, some through grandchildren, and something not often expressed...through the need to be raised by righteous parents in the Millennium.  Yes, there will be resurrected babies whose parents have refused the gift.  They will be raised by somebody, and the Lord first blesses with abundance those who have proven in the past that they are worthy.

So, I do not worry about the church not being strictly verbal any longer on the matter of childbearing.  This same pattern of stewardship and accountability can be seen in changes in the approach towards genealogy.  At one time members were told to be strict in sealing a woman to only one man.  Her children by another husband were left unsealed.  It caused heartache and anger in future descendants because they may have come through the Do Not Seal line.  Then the Lord said...it is time to refine the supports of the commandment that says one man per woman.  The commandment is eternal and still in force.  However, the stewardship has been returned to where it should be.  Now we seal the woman to all her husbands.  We seal their children to them.  Now, the Lord says, the woman will choose her companion.  Our job is to do the work, not make that determination for her.

Our job is to learn the mind of the Lord in the building of our eternal family.  As we struggle with that often frustrating process it helps to keep focused on the principles of the gospel and our hope for eternity.

Having placed the stewardship and accountability for child rearing into the hands of inspiration, what happens when the Lord says, "You are finished."  Do we grieve?  Rejoice?  Give a sigh of relief?  Have a wonderful peace settle over us?  Perhaps a mixture of everything depending on the moment.  Above all, we can be confident that we have chosen the best fruit by heeding the spirit on this matter of eternal consequence.

A woman with a large family had just delivered her 8th baby.  She asked a man if she was finished, surely it was enough for the Lord.  The man wisely replied that he was not the one to determine how many was right for them with the Lord.  The man was both a servant of the Lord and the woman's father.

A great lesson to learn and then to memorize and then to constantly remind ourselves is that events and relationships in life are colored by our attitudes.  A relationship isn't just between friends and families.  You can have a relationship that consists of two sentences with a stranger.  Our attitudes are entirely within our control regardless of what else is happening around us.

There was a woman who had been out shopping with her many children.At every stop she was asked if they were all hers.  Finally, at the end of a long day she found herself in a grocery store with her brood and an elderly man approached and asked if they were all hers.  She snapped some pent-up rude one-liner at him, hoping to get on with her business.  The old man's eyes filled with tears as he said, "My wife and I had ten children.  They all live in other states now.  I was so happy to see another big family."

A few years ago when we were moving to Utah we stopped in Vegas for lunch.  We went to a table at a buffet with our whole army of 8 children.  An elderly couple asked to sit right at the table with us.  I puzzled at why they would want to be so close to the chaos.  Again,  their children were grown, and they were many in number.

How will I be in another 40 years?  Nobody looking at me would ever know that I had borne and raised ten children.  How it would break my heart if my questions and glances were misunderstood!

There was a time when not limiting a family was widely spoken.  There was a time when knowledge was shared about the connection to our willingness to have children, even when we couldn't, as being part of  the sentiment of having children forever.  What makes us think we will want children forever if we don't want them now?  There was a time...but those voices are quieter now.  Not because the truths don't exist but because the Lord has decided that we had better be able to know how to get inspiration on our own in this matter, and act on it, or suffer the grief.

It is possible for the Lord to say "no children," or "One child," or even "A dozen children?"  Of course.  In the end, it is our attitude that will carry as great a weight in our joy as our action.  How many sisters truly wanted just one more child than they ended up having?  How many sisters wanted one less child than they had?  Their coming to the point of giving that desire to the Lord, or repenting if they interfered with his plan, is an important point to consider.

We just know that the world, and sadly, the saints, often do not remember the Lord and his whispers in such matters.   Something that amazed a friend, was how many saints have visions or impressions of children yet to be born.  Is it a uniquely LDS thing?  Of all people on the earth, we will be more accountable than any other if we do not involve our God in our reproduction.

The articles were written in the hope that they will help mothers realize just how normal chaotic life with children really is and how priceless the journey.  If your heart is touched, your mind enlightened, your spirit strengthened please visit Our Missionaries, the link will be at the bottom of every article.